Three Years Ago...

Three years ago was a disaster, for me and 2 other pals and a family.

It was around this season at then. I wasn't one who is superstitious, but just an intention to get my elder cousin sister a birthday gift. So i went shopping, and decided to get a crystal, as she was still single at her age! After having a bracelet chosen, the seller known as Man, was also a palm reader. At first sight he noticed me, he request me for my palm to be read. Out of curiousity, i did. And the results?... "You have a very short life! Do you drive? Please be careful while in the car...etc..."

Come on, i was never superstitious, but was really curious how short is this very short, so i kept asking. But, no definite answer was given, as a saying goes 'Heavenly words are not to be exposed'! Nah...that did not worry me much, but other words from his reading was...somehow accurate though not in 100%. I paid for the bracelet for my cousin, and ended up getting myself one too, for longevity, though not superstituos. But the stone was a beauty, its name white jade, purposing for longevity.

I have that stone put on, wherever i go from then. It just kinda became a habit. I brought friend there to, unknowingly why i did so. But everytime i was there i just questioned for the length of my life. I was really doubting the shortness of it! Short as in 20yrs? 10? 8? 5?...5 was really short...i even said 1...he just shake his head and refused to speak a word. My friend convince me to quit the curious. "Fate is fated, so whatever to come will come when time is right. So no use knowing lah!" Fine lor i thought.

Around then too, we planned a trip, among friends, my good old secondary mate, including the 4 victims too. We have a fun time in Genting for 2-3 days. These few days was the best and happy hours. It soon came to an end, and we came back to our busy life, as usual - Studies and Exams! Anyway, we ended the trip with a "luxurious" dinner just opposite the Kelana MRT station. BBQ steamboat. My boyfriend intended to pick me up and joined us for the fun.

Me was really busy, busy bbq-ing the food for my bro, Ray & my bf...Phew! I don even have time to eat. Though, i still manage to get a few bites and lotsa fun. But, these all almost took my life--by a small little fishball! The round thing just got stuck in my throat. Not coming up, neither going down, i was out of breathe. All i have in mind was just to get the fishball loose from my throat. I kept trying to suck in air, gulping drinks just to get it down. Instead, i got choked, and both my bro and my bf just stared at me. They thought i was just being greedy eating too much, and they laughed at me. I guessed i must have looked very funny.

I can't bear the choked anymore, i ran out to the road side, leaning my body forward with the support of a car parked beside, i cough my best to release the choked. After seconds, the fishball really came loose! It came out at last! I went backto my seat, gasping my breathe, panting. All of them looked at me curiously, thinking i was to greedy eating so much till need of vomiting. Ish! I told my bro and my bf, i was choked by the fishball, and they give me only the "hah" reaction...Faint! I went and wash myself slimmy hand, full of slaver. My throat was already hurt, and i was afraid to put any food in my mouth at then. What a shiver!

Not even a month later, the disaster took place. That was after i started seeing "things"!

It has been three years!... I supposed to have these all wipe off, and kept in a box called memory! And i thought i succeed doing it. But, in actual, i think i did not, at least not 100%...

Yesterday, someone reminded me something. Or at least wake me from my negligence! Unknowing why, i started seeing and feeling things recently. I dowanna know what is going to happen, as "fate is fated. it happen when time is right." But, my delivery man told me things which i guess some among my friends and family may already known about it, but should not be known by me!

"Since, Man(the crystal-man cum palm reader) said you to be very short in life, and that you would have a disadter happening soon... i guess your best friend must have relief you, because you have your stones for protection..."

"She somehow become the scapegoat of yours."

"......"

If these words were to be said three years ago, where i'm still bedded, unable to even attend the funeral, unable to even bow and send her last journey...i would already been crazy or dead. Not because i'm feeling-less now, it just that, i know it is no use to ponder at the past.

My bf told me "No doubt, this may be the case, but why not think it in another way? I should feel lucky instead of neglecting and blaming myself for anything!"

Though, i am not blaming myself, but i do feel guilty abit. But, these are all not my control! Scapegoat or not, not me to tell. Even if now, "things" i see are to come for revenge, i have no words for it. People always say, "Life escaping near death, will be sure be blessed!" But, no matter how hard i think, this saying does not work on me. I do not seemed any much bless, unless having a caring bf, having a job, still living is a blessing...But my pain is worse than dozens of nightmares! This are no blessing ok. If the above mentioned by my delivery man is true, then take it as my best friend asking for her redemption or compensation, or even revenge.

Whatever it is...past is past, whether three years or thirty years, this disastrous nightmare will still float within my mind. It can never be kept into the box of memory.

If revenge were to be taken...fine, i will not hide. As my friend's word "Fate is fated...time will come when it is right", whether things has been arranged or not by fate...i'll still continue be myself...though thought will still fly and wonder...let it be, let it be. Follow your heart, paint the air!

PARANOID? or PSYCHOTIC?...

Am i just getting paranoid or am i going insane soon?

For nights i have been insomia. Why on earth is all this happening? For the whole weekend i have been tearing. Pain is all i have, pain is all in my mind, pain is all within me. It just would not go away no matter how i begged it too.

The pain is unbearable. And no doctor can ever give me a cure to it. Nor an explainable answer. Doctor would only tell me "why are you in pain? You're fine, girl! The crack had healed, you shan't have pain anymore". But after a few more times of visiting, wasting money and time, complaining, he then said "well, be preapared to bear with the pain for life. It's long term girl!" WTF!!!

Doctors after doctor, uncountable of visits i have. All of them gave me the same answer, that once the crack healed pain shan't be there anymore. So what is happening to me? Are you specialist, professionalist trying to say that i make up all this pain? Or am i kinda psychotic to you? Pain is on me, and i know best whether this is real or fake!! DUH!!!

WHAT THE FUCKS HAPPENING>>>>>>>>> ARGH!!!!!!!!

Am i still stuck within the past? Times passes...i should have been out of it long time with much support from every spot. But why why does it still linger around me? Am i not psychotic enough? Or shall i just stay in the house of the insanity?

For these sleepness nights, i see illusion! or izit imagination? I'm not sure if i saw it once, or did it kept repeating in my mind. I can't make myself clear anymore. I see grave and tombs. The tomb has a name craved on it, another close look...It's my mother's name...I can't believe, i dowanna believe, i just wanna get awake, but i could not! Another look at the tomb again, the photo on it was a photo of a baby... I kinda recognize that. It's my sis..., i am 100% sure that's here when she was 2 or 3 having the photo taken without clothes.

The tomb with all these just keep appearing. I just donno did i had this for a night or for 2 or 3... I've been crying to sleep, i've been on pills to sleep, i've been trying to sleep so hard. I was harly sure that i even slept. But...but these illusion, seems so real, so gloomy, so...

I am now at a high point of life, my exam soon in 20 days, my life, my damn pain, my future...I just can't fail, i just can't fall back. I do not want to end up what happened the last time. I am no more under depressed! But i guess...people who know me would doubt so! But i can't afford to lack anymore. Time does not wait for me...

All i want is just to get out from this dirty damn deep ditch of the past, ditch of the fear......

Happening In Just A Day

Happening shits in just a day - yesterday!

Everything went fine, waking up from sleep, going to work and starting to work. Until, some man came to deliver the stationeries, including broom and mop. Things was scattered all over my table, and i was busy buzzing extremely than a bee. Out of sudden, i jumped up from my seat...scared i was! I saw something...something bad and dirty!

I am seated behind my other colleague, and next on my left, is my bosses' room with a full glass separator curtained with blinds. The blinds are always positioned closed. Having no one in the office at then, air-con not on...the blinds should have stayed still. But i saw something, something peeping from between the blinds. It looks like some creature, but again and again i try to think back it does look like a person, but i just donno who. It was really creepy. The last time i actually saw things was before the accident. And the one i saw was...my dear grandfather who loves me most! Though after accident, i continue having feeling seeing my best fren, which actually passed away in the same accident, but i doubt that was real. Guess just because i missed her too much, i imagined her, i even dreamt of her. But there was something undeniable and sure, her number appear calling my phone. And when i tried to dial back immediately, it was out of service.

Come back to my creepy office. This was not the first time i had the feeling here, but was the first time i actually saw the creature, and was definitely staring at me. Come to think of it, its really creepy scary. Actually since young, i always sense creepiness around me. Eg, whenever watching TV with my sis in the living room, i would always look back staring at the dark stairs, which could not have anyone there or upstairs. But i sensed that there are just some weird movement in the dark. My sis is always frightened with my doings. But i cant help it. Even my ex colleague were scared wit me. As we often work late in our cubical office, i would always stare out the corridor, eventhough no one walk pass. But the feeling...the creepiness, its just there. There are something...

This creepy office now, i started working here in May this year. There was nothing like this happening at the beginning. But as time goes by, i started feeling the creepiness, and having goosebumps. I felt blinds being moved, swayed or someone peeping... and all this happen when no one is in the room.

Being able to feel creepiness, i guess i am used to it now, as it started since young. But being able to see things... it's bad feeling! The last time when i saw my grandfather, i almost lost my life in the accident. Some said he's here to bring me with him, but others claimed that he's here to warn me and protect me that's why i am still here. This time round...i wonder what would happen.

No matter what happen, i just hope for one thing... and scold me rite... DEATH would be what i wanna choose if i am given a choice. For the whole day and nite, i am in pain, and it has been consistent for sometimes! This will neva go away, nor will it reduce! It would only get worse and worst! Not even painkiller can made the pain goes for a minute, not even sleeping pills can let me sleep in peace...not even a nite!

Last nite was no difference from any other nite. But the sharp pain was ever ready there, and it was attacking worse...! I can no longer hold back. I throw out, i cried, i throw my temper. And I ate 2painkiller - 50mg tramadol each, then i went off to bed, trying to rest. The pain just would not leave me alone in peace. Crying whole nite, tampering my bf next to me, i know he's irritated and annoyed too! Coz i just would notheed advice to go for massages and see the doctors. He just do not understand, and yet started saying word as though i making myself suffer. Can i change my fate? Do i have a choice? Yes... i do have a choice. I chose to eat sleeping pills...Valium 5mg...double up, so it was 10mg. But still i'm restless, still i could not sleep, though i did fall a few round but woke up almost every hour.

Massages dont even cure. Professionalist massage, traditional massage...relief for now, but still pain come the next hour or so, still i suffer. Consult doctor, specialist...whatever, whoever... it has all been done! And the outcome... neva make a difference. It can neva be cured! Doctors give only medicine...and are all painkillers, which do not kill my pain at all!... It's all a waste of money! Dumping it all into the sea still i would hear some sound. But investing on me?...There is just nothing in return!

What does my life mean?... No more than a word "SUFFER"!... I am blurred with my life, with myself. Is this all a make up by myself? Or is it really happening to me? What am i?...Where did i come from, and where shall i go? What should i be doing?... All i have is dozens of question to zero of answer... Am i borned with question marks?

Damn Bitch

Hey Bitch,

You think you're great? Think twice.
You are no better than a bitch! Bitching and bitching forever!
You are only some years elder than me...so what?
Though you were here a year and half earlier than me...so what?
What do you have? Nothing! Other than a bitchy mouth...you have shits!
Skyping your home everyday bitching...such a mommy gurl...go home then!
Yacking forever with frens and supplier?...thats so cheap!
Know yourself...know your own shits bitch!
Don't try challenging yourself to fight with me!
In any ways...i'll make you lose!!
I don't flare...not coz i daren't
Just that time not up yet...
But too bad from now on...
My limits are up!
Face i've given enough...
Shame will be on you soon if you still don't know yourself
BITCH...watch out!
I can be much more bitchy than you do!...
I'll neva lose...especially to a bitch like you!!!!