PARANOID? or PSYCHOTIC?...

Am i just getting paranoid or am i going insane soon?

For nights i have been insomia. Why on earth is all this happening? For the whole weekend i have been tearing. Pain is all i have, pain is all in my mind, pain is all within me. It just would not go away no matter how i begged it too.

The pain is unbearable. And no doctor can ever give me a cure to it. Nor an explainable answer. Doctor would only tell me "why are you in pain? You're fine, girl! The crack had healed, you shan't have pain anymore". But after a few more times of visiting, wasting money and time, complaining, he then said "well, be preapared to bear with the pain for life. It's long term girl!" WTF!!!

Doctors after doctor, uncountable of visits i have. All of them gave me the same answer, that once the crack healed pain shan't be there anymore. So what is happening to me? Are you specialist, professionalist trying to say that i make up all this pain? Or am i kinda psychotic to you? Pain is on me, and i know best whether this is real or fake!! DUH!!!

WHAT THE FUCKS HAPPENING>>>>>>>>> ARGH!!!!!!!!

Am i still stuck within the past? Times passes...i should have been out of it long time with much support from every spot. But why why does it still linger around me? Am i not psychotic enough? Or shall i just stay in the house of the insanity?

For these sleepness nights, i see illusion! or izit imagination? I'm not sure if i saw it once, or did it kept repeating in my mind. I can't make myself clear anymore. I see grave and tombs. The tomb has a name craved on it, another close look...It's my mother's name...I can't believe, i dowanna believe, i just wanna get awake, but i could not! Another look at the tomb again, the photo on it was a photo of a baby... I kinda recognize that. It's my sis..., i am 100% sure that's here when she was 2 or 3 having the photo taken without clothes.

The tomb with all these just keep appearing. I just donno did i had this for a night or for 2 or 3... I've been crying to sleep, i've been on pills to sleep, i've been trying to sleep so hard. I was harly sure that i even slept. But...but these illusion, seems so real, so gloomy, so...

I am now at a high point of life, my exam soon in 20 days, my life, my damn pain, my future...I just can't fail, i just can't fall back. I do not want to end up what happened the last time. I am no more under depressed! But i guess...people who know me would doubt so! But i can't afford to lack anymore. Time does not wait for me...

All i want is just to get out from this dirty damn deep ditch of the past, ditch of the fear......