DEATH...yet to come!

Out of sudden...i just fear death so much.

Since the accident happened, since my best fren passed away, since i know alot more tings bout myself, sledomly i fear to die. My mom had the killer illness of cancer. Thank GOD she's cure more than 15years ago. I was told we sisters are all prompt to be inherited.

Doctor has told me i had very bad infection and would need the operation immediatly. I refused, i scared! He say the operation shall not be delayed, as it would worsen becoming CANCER!
For more than 2years now, i'm still the same without any operation done to my nose. Hey...harlo, i'm still alive, living not bad leh! But of coz i know myself lah...the condition is no good...getting worse n worse. See doctor? Again? Dowan lah! Don't u know sick people always hate to see doctor. They hate the words coming out of the doctors. About how serious u are, how bad it could be, u gotta do this do that, this cannot that cannot!

Aiya...life is so short, why must i restrict myself just becoz i'm sick? Just to live abit longer? Or to suffer abit more?...Put it this way...i don like living to long. To me, it's not enjoyable, its only suffering!

Recently, not only my ENT getting worse, my headache too. Doctor used to say it was migrain, but when i head to the specialist, he say it due to infections in my ENT system. But then it does only feel like migrain, only headahce on one side mah! But now, when it ache i wish to pull the whole scalp off or chop the whole head off!... But normally this happen when i cry too much or when i have bad bad nose blockage(which is also ENT infections)!

Next would be my spinal, from the neck to the end! Since i was 10, i'm seen to be like an alien, trying all ways to easen the pain on my neck and my stiff shoulder! And really i do look like a monkey at then! Doctors all say, it's just stress, stress. See a bone specialist...Stress Stress, excercise more, rest more...bla bla bla!
At last...this mystery is broken! It was neva stress, it was never becoz i carried my school bag too heavy, never due to lack of exercise or rest! It's all one word - SCOLIOSIS!!! My spinal was tat way since i was born after the 3rd specialist look through my x-rays carefully. I was shocked! 22 years, now only i knew i was born abnormal! My x-rays show from my neck to my tail bone, its S-shape, not the normal curve from sideway, but from the front. Imagine u have a towel trying twisting the towel, what do u see? Twisted rite. Imagine that on my spinal! Yeah, does that not look like a snake!! Guess that what i reincarnated from.

Now, the pain for all are getting worse and worse. I've forsee my death, or rather, i've seen death pass by beside me, just that at then it wasn't time for me! I'm ready, but now, i fear! Fear not death itself, but fear the process, fear of the pain, fear of losing alot other stuffs.

Bless Me...i do not wish to live long, yet i do not wish death to come too soon.