Me, MySelf, My Life

One Real Advice...

2008-06-18T16:43:00.002+08:00

Colleagues could neva be FRIENDS...
I've heard from many who tell me this. Yesterday a cabby just told me so again...colleague who quarrel with you and show the real faces, fear not that much they'll betray you; but fr colleague who are "bestest" friend of yours...BEWARE!!! They are the ones probably back stabbing you...dying unknowingly!...

I've learned!!!

好混乱。。。

2008-05-23T13:17:00.002+08:00

如今已要到结婚的地步，竟然越想就是越怕的。
昨晚才一场的冷战。。。为了么？就为了一些自尊面子问题。谈生意难道女人真的每本事吗？太瞧不起女人了！
您不喜欢带女人一同谈东西。。。原因？因为怕被人瞧不起，怕人家笑您说您靠女人，怕老婆的。。您自尊强，难道女人就该躲在家里？
好。。。那以后您别来阻挡我的事业。。。事业心强不是您一个人的事！我也会很强的！我还要做得比您强！您有您做法，我有我发挥。。。
女人。。。我跟你说:你最好给我打起十二分精神，试一定要考得好，工一定要高，钱要比男人赚得多！我不会输给您看的。。。

ADULTERY...Not a criminal??

2007-04-13T14:13:00.000+08:00

Have you ever heard that adultery is not a criminal?

Well, this was really my first time. A friend of mine going tru divorcy, sadly, disappointedly writing her divorce statement. But one night when she reach home, she found an unknown woman in the house locked in the room with her husband....

Police came but nothing much to be done. His and her identification checked, and statement taken with only the poor girl. Seated lonely in the living hall, waiting for the husband to give a reasonable explanantion still. This was not his first affair...not the second but the third being exposed by this poor girl. No doubts to many other affair may be in between.

She went to the lawyer and this time she is now ready to disclose his shameful act. But surprisingly the lawyer said ADULTERY IS NOT A CRIMINAL...theres nothing much which could be done...This is really unfair.

Neither could she gain half his assets, nor does he does he pay her expenses for the legal case. He even could go against the court and refuses to pay the alimony. Where on earth is the women rights?

With laws like this, how could the situation be so unfair to the girl and yet the guy is the one gaining all kind of advantages? Isn't this just so encouraging the guys to cheat on their wives? How can women stand up bravely for divorce if she fell into unlucky situation like this? Is there really no way out?

GOD Bless You

2007-03-20T10:05:00.000+08:00

I received a sms earlier this morning.

Surprisingly, it's from Joey - someone who is so lazy and won't even rely my sms-es. She's in hospital...just had her belly cut. She's been carrying this lump for quite sometimes since i knew her, but neva goes for any check up till recently few months ago.

Non of X-rays, scans, ultrasound shows the lump. These pissed off the doctors and claims that she's just paranoid, till she have them feel the lump with bare hands. Doctors obviously kept silence and discussed among themselves.

For sometimes i have not heard her mentioned bout this and out of sudden she just underwent the operation. She said that doctors have not known what is that, but to cut it off for biopsy test. WTF!!!...Can doctors just ask your flesh to be cut when they don't even know what is was? I'm startled. Normally, lumps or tumor which are not malignant tumor, they are not to be cut off. By cutting of an "unexploded" tumor...this would only enhance the growth or spreads...

Oh no...my thoughts is going wild now! Well...Pray...pray hard for her! May GOD bless you my dear friend...

Visit to SenSei...AGAIN~~~

2007-02-12T14:27:00.000+08:00

My breathing getting worse and worse. Plus my coughing, non-stop everynight waking up just to cough. Some people even ask me if i'm gonna cough any blood out of me. That's how bad i'm coughing.

At last, stubbornly i went back to the sensei. Didn't want to go coz too costly, no choice still i went coz it's damn suffering.

The first thing he saw me coughing my lungs out, he shake his head. Then he start feeling my pulse, then took a look at my tongue. Well, i'm not exaggerating, but he gives me the feeling that the situation is really bad.

He said i'm not suppose to stress out too much, and not to think too over. Erm...did i? But how to relax? I'm really getting fed up living up with problems.

Cut the crap off, he gave me, say 6 different medicines. 2bottles to be taken in the morning 20biji each and a huge biji like a guli to be taken 3days once. Then after lunch, 2capsules type medicine, a 3biji and 2biji. These were said to be wild grown LingZhi. And the night, another bottle 8biji. My throat is now automatically locked. It's such a suffer to take so many many medicine. I'm darn! Moreover, these all sort of sufferings cost like shit...Say more than SGD600.00....

I hate it, I hate it, not coz the medicine is bitter but its so pricy and yet, how much does it really work? But my bf insisted me to get cured. Why must i get cured? Especially i don't even know the meaning of LIFE, i don't even know what am i living for now, what is the purpose of life? Where is my destintion, where am i supposed to go, supposed to do? But who could i tell this to? He doesn't like me talking nonsense like this. I dono who i could turn to anymore. A piece of advice from the sensei, he told me to let go myself, go enjoy, get him to walk me in the park, to spilled my heart out. He seems to be able to think what i'm thinking...just like a fortune teller. But i know better than anyone else. He's not gonna do such a thing for me...

I feel so lost, i'm lost indeed, i donno where i am, donno where i'm going, what i'm doing, what i'm thinking. Is my pace too slow? Or is it too fast? Maybe i've neva moved at all, i'm still at the start? I'm lost, and i'm so lost with no destination no purpose...

Shopping Fun...

2007-02-08T10:26:00.000+08:00

Shopping was never a tiring job for me till the disaster happened. But still i've made a great harvest from my shopping this new year.

Well, I used to shop alot since young but always only cheap young girls stuff. But since i've been out in Singapore, i've learn to spend...let say quite luxoriously. Philosophy "Earned so hard, must spend happily to satisfy myself"...haha...

I guess my shopping started since last month or two ago, and it lasted, still continuing till now! Went City Square in JB, bought short with suspender(rm55), erm...spagheti top(rm20), suspender skirt(rm65), Holiday Plaza hunted a white knee height boots(rm200). Then, back in Singapore, went Bugis got denim skirt(sg25), wanting so much to get a dress but failed, instead got accessories...bangle, necklace, earing, rings etc. One of the weekend, we spent whole day to Central in Clarke Quay got a pair of high heels(sg45), and Far East in Orchard got a baby doll flower ball tube(sg29), some accessories and undies, a handbag(sg38), a dress(sg69)...finally...imported all the way from Japan designed...truely special. Then just yesterday was in Bugis again...caught a HongKong imported handbag(sg48), which look exactly like the snake leather...though man made...but still satisfy. And the surprise supposed to be is my tatoo(sg600) (seems like many saw it already)...thats why all my wearing are supposed to be bare back! Yeah, to show off! keke...

He bought too...from City Square accessories, Bugis also accessories, a long pants(sg70), Orchard a striped shirt, then back at Bugis a polo shirt(sg49) and accessories again! Hmm...seems like he's not having much yet... Let see... i'll made him get a shoes (New Balance might be his choice), another pants, one or two morevsweat shirt...boxers! Haha... Oh ya...he's got his tatoo much longer than mine(sg300)...adding on soon, very soon again...costing more than sg700 i supposed.

Wow...lets see how much we spent... Err...better not let mine and his mommy knows, or we get scolding man. Even his friend at work said we are too "generous", are we really?

Neva mind, this does not happen often, as we can go on the whole others day w/o shopping anymore, unless i eyed on something which is rare.

The next step would be Hairdo! He's gonna dye/highlight the sliverish white...with Rain's hairstyle. I donno how it looks like yet. As for me, a new hair cut by his "dear" and dye...or highlight maybe...colour?...Unknown yet. Nah, leave it to the stylist lah! Another thing...nail do...the Japanese 3D fashion... Oh Yeeah...

Hmm...i'll gonna make all eyes stare on me...too bad i'm still fat, never go slimming treatment. Argh...Diet does not work on me...!Aisheh...

A Complainer, A Whiner, A Loser

2007-01-24T15:26:00.000+08:00

Days are boring. I'm either giving up on myself, abandoning myself, self ruining; or i'm just lacking of some magic dust to power up.

Days and night, all i complain is that, i can breath, air just cant get into my lungs, or my bone is pain...These complain sound so...annoying actually and i knew it. But i cant help it.

I am so not even 1% independent!

All i know is whinning like an overage baby. Whin about my job...yeah super duple sien. Whin about my damn pain. Whin about my meaningless life!

Well... i guess though i'm often unwell... that makes an excuse for me... and i'm too dependent to person beside me. I look up to my sister and salute at her. I wish to be like her... i was once actually same as her... If only i never pass the past path as it was...if only time can goes back... I'll choose my path... and i'll never be the same.

But this would never happen. I guess i would still be leading someone's else path, hopefully mistakenly i could re-enter to my path...to where i want to be, what i want to be. Too many dreams but its empty. A loser giving up hope grazing nowhere.

Visit to Chinese SenSei

2007-01-16T14:23:00.000+08:00

I've seen too many doctors, but...chinese sen sei 1st time in my life.

Guess how amazing chinese medical could be. With just a swift feel on the wrist, he not only tell the pulse, but also your behaving and habits.

I've been quite breatheless nowadays. Air just cant get into the lungs thoroughly, always and almost suffocating. This was the only things i said, after he read my pulse, he told me alot of my habits, more like a fortune-teller than a sen sei.

I seldom eat in the daytime, or rather do not feel hungry. But once the night falls, my stomach start growling. When i don't eat, i really eat nothing, when i wanna eat, i can eat up the whole cow. Everytime after a meal, i'll start yawning and dozing off. The sen sei get every of this habits correctly.

Even my sleeping habits he could tell. I'm always restless...my brain! Though, i may be asleep, thats only my eyes. My brain, yet are too awake, and wondering from the north to the south of the world!

Dear Sensei...could you too tell me how my future would be?... its just amazing!

Of course, the medicine part is also shockingly amazing! Though its small round little one, black bitter-sweet...erm...but 20-30biji everytime and twice a day is alot leh!... And the worse is too many nice stuff i gotta give up. Especially chocolate!...cakes&bread, grapes... Aih...

A Decision to be Made...

2007-01-03T09:50:00.000+08:00

Donno how things happen...but decision will have to be made by tonite...
And this would seriously affect alot...please pray for me!

Life really sucks!

Q & A

2006-12-28T11:50:00.000+08:00

两个人在一起最重要的什么呢？？？

Translation: What is most important for two person to be togather and to last?

This question suddenly arose...

Answers needed...please comment!

二人言。。。

2006-12-21T13:44:00.000+08:00

两个人在一起条件：一定要心灵相通- 肥田喜事(TVB Drama)

可惜爱情是中毒品，你不只会很享受，不知不觉地上瘾，之后却是很痛苦。

如果婚姻是大家认同的坟墓，那爱情就是特制的棺材。

生命可以有保险为保障，也是负担。
婚姻微微一张证书是保障咩？不过它肯定是个负担！

Emotions

2006-12-21T13:26:00.000+08:00

I am kinda playing with my emotions nowadays. I can be so irritated, or rather irritating too. I can just blow this minute, but the next i can just laugh out the lungs.

Pain i am in now,
Furious i am now,
Pathetic i am now.

What i am i do not know,
What i need i do not know,
What i care i do not know.

Pain in the body,
Pain in the mind,
Pain in the heart.

No one ever know my pain,
No one ever care my need,
No one ever notice my existence.

Confuse i am,
Annoyed i am,
Troubled i am.

I just wanna run,
I wanna escaped,
I wanna hide.

I wanna go away,
Somewhere dark and lonely,
Where no one finds me.

I am too weak,
I can't face anyone,
I don even wanna face myself.

I hate to live,
Yet i hate to end,
I hate myself the most.

Aiya...i don't even know what nonsense i am writting already lah!

求生或求死？

2006-12-20T10:30:00.000+08:00

什么是求生？什么又是求死？是否有人可以正确的回答呢？

我的脾气向来就是波浪形的。尤其加上了承受意外的“后遗症”，这种的痛苦非普通人可以想象。从中承受了失去最要好的朋友，就连最后一面都也没机会地安详把她送至极乐世界，真是我极大的遗憾。除此，还得在床上休病至少四到六个月。三天后竟还发现肠子因横膈膜破了一个大洞塞住了左边的肺使得呼吸困难，这么一来，我还挺忍得的呢！困难了三天在临收拾背包回家前才告诉医生，之后就受皮肉之痛开刀把肠子从肺部重新排进肚子里。真好奇当时在手术室的那种情景。除了我的呱呱大叫，还真想知道肠子跑了进上半身是什么样子的。

手术完毕，我被推至ICU整身插满管子的。鼻子，喉咙各一条都是呼吸管子。背部脊椎一条是下半身麻醉药的管子，每隔四十五分钟就会被滴入。左边肋骨也被插了一根比手指头大两至三倍的管子，只见很多黑血从中流出，流了一整个瓶子至少1Litre吧！再ICU里睡了两天，探望我的人都不能带超过十五分钟，手机又不能带入。那种日子真的事。。。一分钟如一天，一天如一年。

始终那种难熬的日子都已经过去了。这是叫生命意志强吗？求生意志的坚持吗？古人说：大命不死必有后福。可惜我总感觉不了后福咧！

之后，我每晚都是泪湿了枕都无法入眠，傻傻呆呆的结果患上了忧郁症。自杀倾向当然逃不过咯！痴呆的我还曾把整排20mg的安眠药，在加两排的镇定剂。。。哈哈。。。我就这样差点没命哦！也是因为求生意志强吗？吞了药丸后，我竟抱着垃圾桶吐了很多的白泡。很可惜的，我还是活得了！对我而言，吞药自杀原来是假的，是死不了的。呵呵！

两度死不去，该有两度的福气，对吧？。。不见得咯！

以前的我一直都想寻死，可是总是失败咯！现在的我更不知自己是在求生还是求死！总是有人告诉我“做人一定要有目标，那你就会去求生！”这是真的吗？何以见得？那么我往往把目标放至他人身上也算是有目标吗？我只想无忧无虑，无痛无苦的开开心心，可是这愿望好像好难实现咯！

最近的刮风大雨，更是令我生不如死！那种的痛真是难受，可是又有谁会明白又有谁会懂？每个人除了叫我看医生，叫我别去想它，种种种种的话，你又可直到这些话很敷衍？要是医生治得了我，那他就不必告诉我将使永久性的疼痛啦！要是药物真的有效，那我就根本无须每次都是double得吃啦！吃了竟都是止痛药，而且还不会止痛，反而整个人累累散散的!

是不我作孽太深？。。。唉！受的苦未免太苦了吧？我是否放弃了？应该说我从未振作过吧！过得了一天就一天咯！时辰还没到，做么都没用的啦！太悲观？不会啦！只是我深信这是我的命，我可以去闯我要的路，可使命是改变不了的哦！有我诞生的那刻，艰难的命运以降落。只可惜，我没那样的坚强支撑。。。我只可望结束的那一天，痛与哭也一同消失，这才是我意愿所达。。。开心快乐的一天吧！也算是目标吧？。。。

至此，是否真的有人可以解答这个谜 - 求生vs求死？

某某先生。。。

2006-12-18T10:01:00.000+08:00

一瞬之间，我突然引起了这及大无比的感触。

一直很想说，我非常喜欢你给的那种感觉。不厌不腻的，甜细在心头让我永远都会记住。

这一切一切都怪于：天时，地利，人和。。。

自古以来，有句良言，人一定要知足。有认识，到相处，随时非常非常短暂，而且非常的浅薄；可是总算是相识相知，这已够于满足了。

我依然会留着这一线线的小希望，好让这甜而不腻，蜜在心头的感觉长久持续。。。

祝你也与我一样会幸福快快乐乐的，永远都记住彼此。

Loan Sharks vs Gambler

2006-12-05T15:12:00.000+08:00

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2006/12/5/nation/16221582&sec=nation
http://www.nanyang.com/index.php?ch=7&pg=10&ac=675012

Links above are about the news beginning of this Dec06. 3kids died coz the father killed them. Then the parent did try to commit suicide. But they then found out that the pain was unbearable, hence they themselves called up the police to seek help. All this started coz the father owe money to the "SHARKS"!

How stupid to do so...

But are loan sharks to be blame? To be honest, I do not agree!!...Strongly strongly disagree... If the borrower is a gambler!! This is not becoz of biasness, but its a truth!

I personally know 'ah long'! They are not that cruel afterall... Come to think of it, they really do make the economy grow, maybe in small %.

Talk about gamblers, I personally hate them deeply deeply. My own father is one of them. And he, too, borrow from ah long. So if there were things happenning around me, is ah long to be blamed?

Gambler gamble just want to win money. The more they losses, the more they want to win it back. As they gamble and losses, their cash gradually decrease. Till when it reach zero...oh no, guess what they would do. YES..."SHARKS". So does this mean that existence of the "sharks" to be blamed?

Put yourself into a gambler's shoe. When you have no more cash, and you must win back whatever you have lose...what choice do you have? Bank?...no way...it takes too long to process plus need too many documents. "Sharks" is the one. Ok...just ignore existence of the "sharks", bank would still not be the first choice. Gamblers would do anything, and would be hyper thick face. No matter what, they would get ways to borrow from friends, relatives whoever it would be.

But how many would actually borrow to gamblers just to win back the money? Money given to gamblers is equal to throwing them into the deep sea! No, No, No...even throwing into the deep sea, you will hear a "THUMP" into the sea.

Though borrowing from these people may be less risk, but it does not mean they won't ask back for the cash. Human are greedy and selfish. How can they just give out the money. But it all depend how thick face they can be.

In short, a gambler would anyhow beg or threat for money. I personally went through and see all this thoroughly. Also, i've seen ah long threatening for pay back too...

I side on no side. But, seeing my father, i believe it's the gambler's fault. If they have known to have self control they would not have gamble till they lost their lives.

Dad...these are my words to you. Either you stop gambling, or you would just be as good as the dead. I'm not being irrespectful or cruel but that's the truth! We've paid off twice on behalf of you to the ah long, and the sum is everytime greater! Now, this is the thrid time...we have no eyes to see already! I dowan to lose a fahter, but we can't always help you. It's unfair for us...and you are too irresponsible!...Please...You are old enough to know what to do!! Do not use granny as a threat...eve if you were to jump from the flat, that is for what you have done, that is your responsible. We've done whatever we can, if you still continue...what is the point of me calling you as my dad?

Three Years Ago...

2006-11-16T09:50:00.000+08:00

Three years ago was a disaster, for me and 2 other pals and a family.

It was around this season at then. I wasn't one who is superstitious, but just an intention to get my elder cousin sister a birthday gift. So i went shopping, and decided to get a crystal, as she was still single at her age! After having a bracelet chosen, the seller known as Man, was also a palm reader. At first sight he noticed me, he request me for my palm to be read. Out of curiousity, i did. And the results?... "You have a very short life! Do you drive? Please be careful while in the car...etc..."

Come on, i was never superstitious, but was really curious how short is this very short, so i kept asking. But, no definite answer was given, as a saying goes 'Heavenly words are not to be exposed'! Nah...that did not worry me much, but other words from his reading was...somehow accurate though not in 100%. I paid for the bracelet for my cousin, and ended up getting myself one too, for longevity, though not superstituos. But the stone was a beauty, its name white jade, purposing for longevity.

I have that stone put on, wherever i go from then. It just kinda became a habit. I brought friend there to, unknowingly why i did so. But everytime i was there i just questioned for the length of my life. I was really doubting the shortness of it! Short as in 20yrs? 10? 8? 5?...5 was really short...i even said 1...he just shake his head and refused to speak a word. My friend convince me to quit the curious. "Fate is fated, so whatever to come will come when time is right. So no use knowing lah!" Fine lor i thought.

Around then too, we planned a trip, among friends, my good old secondary mate, including the 4 victims too. We have a fun time in Genting for 2-3 days. These few days was the best and happy hours. It soon came to an end, and we came back to our busy life, as usual - Studies and Exams! Anyway, we ended the trip with a "luxurious" dinner just opposite the Kelana MRT station. BBQ steamboat. My boyfriend intended to pick me up and joined us for the fun.

Me was really busy, busy bbq-ing the food for my bro, Ray & my bf...Phew! I don even have time to eat. Though, i still manage to get a few bites and lotsa fun. But, these all almost took my life--by a small little fishball! The round thing just got stuck in my throat. Not coming up, neither going down, i was out of breathe. All i have in mind was just to get the fishball loose from my throat. I kept trying to suck in air, gulping drinks just to get it down. Instead, i got choked, and both my bro and my bf just stared at me. They thought i was just being greedy eating too much, and they laughed at me. I guessed i must have looked very funny.

I can't bear the choked anymore, i ran out to the road side, leaning my body forward with the support of a car parked beside, i cough my best to release the choked. After seconds, the fishball really came loose! It came out at last! I went backto my seat, gasping my breathe, panting. All of them looked at me curiously, thinking i was to greedy eating so much till need of vomiting. Ish! I told my bro and my bf, i was choked by the fishball, and they give me only the "hah" reaction...Faint! I went and wash myself slimmy hand, full of slaver. My throat was already hurt, and i was afraid to put any food in my mouth at then. What a shiver!

Not even a month later, the disaster took place. That was after i started seeing "things"!

It has been three years!... I supposed to have these all wipe off, and kept in a box called memory! And i thought i succeed doing it. But, in actual, i think i did not, at least not 100%...

Yesterday, someone reminded me something. Or at least wake me from my negligence! Unknowing why, i started seeing and feeling things recently. I dowanna know what is going to happen, as "fate is fated. it happen when time is right." But, my delivery man told me things which i guess some among my friends and family may already known about it, but should not be known by me!

"Since, Man(the crystal-man cum palm reader) said you to be very short in life, and that you would have a disadter happening soon... i guess your best friend must have relief you, because you have your stones for protection..."

"She somehow become the scapegoat of yours."

"......"

If these words were to be said three years ago, where i'm still bedded, unable to even attend the funeral, unable to even bow and send her last journey...i would already been crazy or dead. Not because i'm feeling-less now, it just that, i know it is no use to ponder at the past.

My bf told me "No doubt, this may be the case, but why not think it in another way? I should feel lucky instead of neglecting and blaming myself for anything!"

Though, i am not blaming myself, but i do feel guilty abit. But, these are all not my control! Scapegoat or not, not me to tell. Even if now, "things" i see are to come for revenge, i have no words for it. People always say, "Life escaping near death, will be sure be blessed!" But, no matter how hard i think, this saying does not work on me. I do not seemed any much bless, unless having a caring bf, having a job, still living is a blessing...But my pain is worse than dozens of nightmares! This are no blessing ok. If the above mentioned by my delivery man is true, then take it as my best friend asking for her redemption or compensation, or even revenge.

Whatever it is...past is past, whether three years or thirty years, this disastrous nightmare will still float within my mind. It can never be kept into the box of memory.

If revenge were to be taken...fine, i will not hide. As my friend's word "Fate is fated...time will come when it is right", whether things has been arranged or not by fate...i'll still continue be myself...though thought will still fly and wonder...let it be, let it be. Follow your heart, paint the air!

PARANOID? or PSYCHOTIC?...

2006-11-13T10:06:00.000+08:00

Am i just getting paranoid or am i going insane soon?

For nights i have been insomia. Why on earth is all this happening? For the whole weekend i have been tearing. Pain is all i have, pain is all in my mind, pain is all within me. It just would not go away no matter how i begged it too.

The pain is unbearable. And no doctor can ever give me a cure to it. Nor an explainable answer. Doctor would only tell me "why are you in pain? You're fine, girl! The crack had healed, you shan't have pain anymore". But after a few more times of visiting, wasting money and time, complaining, he then said "well, be preapared to bear with the pain for life. It's long term girl!" WTF!!!

Doctors after doctor, uncountable of visits i have. All of them gave me the same answer, that once the crack healed pain shan't be there anymore. So what is happening to me? Are you specialist, professionalist trying to say that i make up all this pain? Or am i kinda psychotic to you? Pain is on me, and i know best whether this is real or fake!! DUH!!!

WHAT THE FUCKS HAPPENING>>>>>>>>> ARGH!!!!!!!!

Am i still stuck within the past? Times passes...i should have been out of it long time with much support from every spot. But why why does it still linger around me? Am i not psychotic enough? Or shall i just stay in the house of the insanity?

For these sleepness nights, i see illusion! or izit imagination? I'm not sure if i saw it once, or did it kept repeating in my mind. I can't make myself clear anymore. I see grave and tombs. The tomb has a name craved on it, another close look...It's my mother's name...I can't believe, i dowanna believe, i just wanna get awake, but i could not! Another look at the tomb again, the photo on it was a photo of a baby... I kinda recognize that. It's my sis..., i am 100% sure that's here when she was 2 or 3 having the photo taken without clothes.

The tomb with all these just keep appearing. I just donno did i had this for a night or for 2 or 3... I've been crying to sleep, i've been on pills to sleep, i've been trying to sleep so hard. I was harly sure that i even slept. But...but these illusion, seems so real, so gloomy, so...

I am now at a high point of life, my exam soon in 20 days, my life, my damn pain, my future...I just can't fail, i just can't fall back. I do not want to end up what happened the last time. I am no more under depressed! But i guess...people who know me would doubt so! But i can't afford to lack anymore. Time does not wait for me...

All i want is just to get out from this dirty damn deep ditch of the past, ditch of the fear......

Happening In Just A Day

2006-11-10T09:43:00.000+08:00

Happening shits in just a day - yesterday!

Everything went fine, waking up from sleep, going to work and starting to work. Until, some man came to deliver the stationeries, including broom and mop. Things was scattered all over my table, and i was busy buzzing extremely than a bee. Out of sudden, i jumped up from my seat...scared i was! I saw something...something bad and dirty!

I am seated behind my other colleague, and next on my left, is my bosses' room with a full glass separator curtained with blinds. The blinds are always positioned closed. Having no one in the office at then, air-con not on...the blinds should have stayed still. But i saw something, something peeping from between the blinds. It looks like some creature, but again and again i try to think back it does look like a person, but i just donno who. It was really creepy. The last time i actually saw things was before the accident. And the one i saw was...my dear grandfather who loves me most! Though after accident, i continue having feeling seeing my best fren, which actually passed away in the same accident, but i doubt that was real. Guess just because i missed her too much, i imagined her, i even dreamt of her. But there was something undeniable and sure, her number appear calling my phone. And when i tried to dial back immediately, it was out of service.

Come back to my creepy office. This was not the first time i had the feeling here, but was the first time i actually saw the creature, and was definitely staring at me. Come to think of it, its really creepy scary. Actually since young, i always sense creepiness around me. Eg, whenever watching TV with my sis in the living room, i would always look back staring at the dark stairs, which could not have anyone there or upstairs. But i sensed that there are just some weird movement in the dark. My sis is always frightened with my doings. But i cant help it. Even my ex colleague were scared wit me. As we often work late in our cubical office, i would always stare out the corridor, eventhough no one walk pass. But the feeling...the creepiness, its just there. There are something...

This creepy office now, i started working here in May this year. There was nothing like this happening at the beginning. But as time goes by, i started feeling the creepiness, and having goosebumps. I felt blinds being moved, swayed or someone peeping... and all this happen when no one is in the room.

Being able to feel creepiness, i guess i am used to it now, as it started since young. But being able to see things... it's bad feeling! The last time when i saw my grandfather, i almost lost my life in the accident. Some said he's here to bring me with him, but others claimed that he's here to warn me and protect me that's why i am still here. This time round...i wonder what would happen.

No matter what happen, i just hope for one thing... and scold me rite... DEATH would be what i wanna choose if i am given a choice. For the whole day and nite, i am in pain, and it has been consistent for sometimes! This will neva go away, nor will it reduce! It would only get worse and worst! Not even painkiller can made the pain goes for a minute, not even sleeping pills can let me sleep in peace...not even a nite!

Last nite was no difference from any other nite. But the sharp pain was ever ready there, and it was attacking worse...! I can no longer hold back. I throw out, i cried, i throw my temper. And I ate 2painkiller - 50mg tramadol each, then i went off to bed, trying to rest. The pain just would not leave me alone in peace. Crying whole nite, tampering my bf next to me, i know he's irritated and annoyed too! Coz i just would notheed advice to go for massages and see the doctors. He just do not understand, and yet started saying word as though i making myself suffer. Can i change my fate? Do i have a choice? Yes... i do have a choice. I chose to eat sleeping pills...Valium 5mg...double up, so it was 10mg. But still i'm restless, still i could not sleep, though i did fall a few round but woke up almost every hour.

Massages dont even cure. Professionalist massage, traditional massage...relief for now, but still pain come the next hour or so, still i suffer. Consult doctor, specialist...whatever, whoever... it has all been done! And the outcome... neva make a difference. It can neva be cured! Doctors give only medicine...and are all painkillers, which do not kill my pain at all!... It's all a waste of money! Dumping it all into the sea still i would hear some sound. But investing on me?...There is just nothing in return!

What does my life mean?... No more than a word "SUFFER"!... I am blurred with my life, with myself. Is this all a make up by myself? Or is it really happening to me? What am i?...Where did i come from, and where shall i go? What should i be doing?... All i have is dozens of question to zero of answer... Am i borned with question marks?

Damn Bitch

2006-11-06T14:07:00.000+08:00

Hey Bitch,

You think you're great? Think twice.
You are no better than a bitch! Bitching and bitching forever!
You are only some years elder than me...so what?
Though you were here a year and half earlier than me...so what?
What do you have? Nothing! Other than a bitchy mouth...you have shits!
Skyping your home everyday bitching...such a mommy gurl...go home then!
Yacking forever with frens and supplier?...thats so cheap!
Know yourself...know your own shits bitch!
Don't try challenging yourself to fight with me!
In any ways...i'll make you lose!!
I don't flare...not coz i daren't
Just that time not up yet...
But too bad from now on...
My limits are up!
Face i've given enough...
Shame will be on you soon if you still don't know yourself
BITCH...watch out!
I can be much more bitchy than you do!...
I'll neva lose...especially to a bitch like you!!!!

放松。。。在放手

2006-10-31T09:31:00.000+08:00

我仍然有太多太多的东西都还学不动。始终，我知道这是不可能的。我再不学会放松，我就永远都会失败，破坏自己的美好。
说是易，可是我凭良心说。。。我怎么也做不到！我不是这类人？这是我给自己的借口？还是对自己的不信？还是对对方又迟疑？
曾经哟人说过“别要刻意迁就一个人，更别要求一个人可以迁就你”这句话是否有道理？可是两个人不是都该互相迁就吗？要不迁就，难道勉强接受？这回好吗？
老实说，我是两者都做不到！这是否代表。。残酷结局即将来临？我是非常有准备，可是心灵上是绝无防备的。我难道又会再次的破碎？
往往，只是小事，为何我要固执？小姐，你在一不是小孩了。一把年纪了，该不会浪费了三年有三年吧？你没么三年可以浪费了，你是知道的！你该不会孩子昂不同吧？
我错了。我相同。我明白。我知道。可是问题时。。。我办不到！要怎么才算是放松？要怎么才算是放手？
不理不问？我曾在首段路走至这地步，也是最后一步！要是我现在放松再放手。。那我本身面临心理上的疑问就更大了。因为，放松。。再放手。。接此就会造成放弃！
阶段很分明清楚：
单身无忧 – 被钓上钩 – 死鱼翻身 – 爱出真情 – 束手无策 – 粘身如胶 – 冲突反复 – 心灵破碎 – 学习放松 – 再会放手 – 袖手旁观 – 毫不理问 – 终于放弃 – 终身脱离
这大概是我可悲的人生情关吧！我曾领会。。可是还是那么笨，学费付完了，却还是一无所学！
做人好苦，做我身边的人更苦，看我做人的才是最痛苦。为什么呢？从个小甜甜小可爱，我改革了。。我蛹出了- 小苦瓜！可怜即可悲。。。

My Path..."s"...

2006-10-26T16:47:00.000+08:00

Just start work after a few days rest...erm...not really rest anyway!

My race back home turns out with alot of surprise... same goes to my path which may lead me to!

I managed to meet up with some people, have a long chat with my granny, a long chat with my sis...

I went to see my dream house once i landed bac my home...wow, the price has rise so damn much! Forgive me for my rudeness, but from 250k to a 350k...with every block 9k extra(since block A, and it's now block E), 20k extra for golf view, 1k extra for every floor higher...these are all so much so much! But i just cant resist...and i think the heaven pity me too..coz it was a very rainy day at then...welcoming me with tears?

Had a long chat with my old granny...any and every thing we just talk about...

Then rush to bring my mom for dinner...and yes my mom cut my throat by going big restaurant...only four of us and the bill turned out to be hundreds $$...FAINT!! Anyway, thats no big deal lah...

Then yeah...midnite movie at last, Rob-B-Hood...cute BB cute BB...i wanna pinch pinch
Early next day, woke by my baby sis to fetch her, and of course her buddies all to work...aww...(yawning). Driving was no big deal, but the traffic is! We went lunch after fetching my sis to work...yummy Ampang Yong Tau Foo, too bad not as nice as it used to be!...Hmm, where-else i went? Oh ya...TimeSquare! Went all the way up to the 10th floor then came down. Argh...it's neva relaxing for me shopping anymore since after the accident! Before reaching the ground, around the 3rd or 4th floor i finally have to give up! It was such a pain man!...We targeted my other sis...which claimed to be working in Tesco. So i just made a surprise check there! Haha...we found out her secret at last!

I did catch up with her much about home and things more...and found lotsa hypocrite are actually living in the society! The most important is I learned something and hope to gain within it to be much more wiser. But me...like a bull trying to squeeze the corner as a chinese saying goes.

Night came! That night was fun!...Rum Jungle...my first time in that new club! But my sis seemed to intro the wrong place liao! All old ppl more...or am i too old? 3bottles of Martell VSOP...it was a long long time since i have any drinks...and of course dancing! I dance like a mad dog...keke...shaking the whole body...oh yeah!...till the announcement went off, and it was closed, DAMN! only at 3am! Both of us, too drunk to drive, waiting, chatting wandering with my sis, and the time reached 4++, at last we went to mamak! haha...guess wat! The fella who tried to drunk us was so drunk and gotta b carried away by my sis' friend!

After mamak, we went straight to Bentong, early 6+am, i drove back there! Tiring tho, but happy and glad, we dropped off and slept the whole day! 2days in Bentong, I saw alot of BB(s)...Among all, Chai Ling's BB was the cutest! She say harlo by giving u a cheek hug...ie. putting her wet slimy hand onto ur cheek! Her smile is what i cannot forget! She is just so active, chubby cute little baby girl! Only 5months old, she is now in the walker! And she is so strong, always trying to push herself up stading!...and funny she can even do sit up, ( lifting her head abit higher from her shoulder) keke...She even hold her own milk bottle with her tiny 5mths old hand!oooo.....i wanna hug her so muchy...so huggie huggie! Another thing funny bout her is, she will always shiver after she pee...hahaha...sound sooo....she is just adorable!

"Wonder when i can have my own? Will it be that cute too?"...Wondering too much...keke

But after this trip home, we did gain alot different views, opinion and principles!...I have to much plan in mind...but i'm just like a horse with short legs, running slow enough to drown, with sacks of stone on the back...WTF....!

Anyway, still trying to figure out some solution...but i know he solve my prob...keke...somehow or rather i hope! I'm to tired, or maybe to lazy, to depending...Nah...i just wanna be a BB gurl still!...

Just A Song

2006-10-13T18:22:00.000+08:00

I suddenly came across this song...sounds familiar.

Yes, 3years ago...alomost around this season, I broke my 1st relationship. But, I put the blame on him...to make myself to be freed better...And i did succeed! But got into another pit hole...keke

At then, i remember he tried so hard ever just to have me back by his side. Call me cruel...i just learned to love myself abit more than to love others!...Somehow i manage to make him utter the magic word which freed me...this is no more U-turn for him...

However hard he try to push, i never did give in though there were things happening alot in between...It's NIGHTMARE...It's been doomed...TOO BAD!! This song was always humming from him...and of coz from few friends which we both was closed with. Mr Snake...my god-brother was indeed very very close with me at then. Always having lunch and yam cha, anytime during my lunchtime or after work. He took care of me just like a baby girl! KO...i was so fat at then because of you, you know!!

Anyway, come back to the song...he hum this song so much, even Mr Snake hum this song too whenever i see him...I thought he was just making fun of me, telling me that my doings was just a rush...like the song!

After awhile i listen to the song carefully just now...i guess at last i solve a mystery...or mayb hopefully i did. Whether i did or not...it does not and will never matter more. The impulsiveness was not on me...till now i've never regret...neither will i ever regret.

Anyway, it's just a song...not bad...just sit back and enjoy...

http://www.citydriver.net/bbs/music/ee48.mp3

动力火车 - 冲动作
词:张政群
作曲:吕祯晃
编曲:涂惠元

"想你的时候像掉进一个黑洞
看不见天日像寒雪般冰冻
我始终不懂爱与恨有什么不同
你伤心的眼瞳让我慢慢失控慢慢失控

拥抱的时候却得到一场落空
吹进心的风是无情的嘲弄
笑与哭不同就算再痛也看不透
你无言的嘴角让我慢慢冲动慢慢冲动
你无言的嘴角让我慢慢冲动

冲动
我的手在发抖
爱情路是那么陡
走了好久没尽头
你选择留我选择走
冲动
我的心在颤抖
怎么和时间搏斗
虽然还是被捉弄
爱你的冲动
心甘情愿被你玩弄"

对你太在乎

2006-10-11T18:23:00.000+08:00

http://old.jconline.cn/.../chl/Track02(1).mp3

对你太在乎(国)
陈慧琳

好不好留下一小步退路
等我把眼泪收住
好不好让我在你眼里能看出
你在乎
还以为经历过波折无数
我们会幸福

对你太在乎
没什么抱负
能不能明天再结束
我要你在乎
是要你放慢脚步
只想彼此都不厌恶

我好想从清醒变得盲目
只要能忘了痛苦
我好想抱着回忆就好
不愤怒不要哭
亲爱的如果最后是陌路
两个人都输

对你太在乎
没什么抱负
能不能明天再结束
我要你在乎
是要你放慢脚步
只想彼此都不厌恶

对你太在乎
没什么抱负
能不能明天再结束
我要你在乎
是要你放慢脚步
只想彼此都不厌恶

爱情复兴 - Joey

2006-10-11T17:38:00.000+08:00

http://cache.rox.com.cn/...5793FE4A869FA0.mp3

爱情复兴作
填词:何启弘
编曲:陈伟 mickey chen
监制:舒文

华丽的巴洛克圆舞曲
卡夫卡朗诵着诗句
时空互相交错的场景
中古世纪的爱情

我像关在被咀咒的古堡
我像闯进马车经过的巷道
我像听见修道院的祷告
逆流时间的路找不到找不到

爱听说能穿越几世纪
痛苦过幸福过会重映
我们附身彼此记忆
才这样纠缠到无止尽
传说爱能飞几千里
降落到今生的拥抱里
如果摆脱不了宿命
就任它写错剧情

等待着被救赎的哭泣
连上帝都只能默许
我们相遇惊动了天地
横扫乱世的爱情

我像看到木偶有泪在掉
我像听见街头艺人的讪笑
我像俘虏卫兵挡在地窖
逆流时间的路找不到找不到

爱听说能穿越几世纪
痛苦过幸福过会重映
我们附身彼此记忆
才这样纠缠到无止尽
传说爱能飞几千里
降落到今生的拥抱里
如果摆脱不了宿命
就任它写错剧情

我们都别再做个逃兵
等待再一次爱情复兴
让秒针暂停
从轮回中睡醒
爱个彻底

爱听说能穿越几世纪
痛苦过幸福过会重映
我们附身彼此记忆
才这样纠缠到无止尽
传说爱能飞几千里
降落到今生的拥抱里
如果摆脱不了宿命
就任它写错剧情

爱是一出
唱不完的歌剧

10 Things I Hate About You

2006-10-09T15:33:00.000+08:00

I hate the way you named me,
I hate the way you look at me,
I hate the way you make me laugh,
I hate the way you said you missed me.

I hate you for not calling me, though you never do,
I hate you for not sms-ing me, though you seldom do.

I hate your sweet-talks making me smile so happy,
I hate your promises which you never could keep.

I hate you for who you are,
I hate most that I don't even hate you at all.

Useless Moment...

2006-10-06T15:04:00.000+08:00

What I wish cum what I need at this very moment...

More time...at least 48hours a day...
My time is so cramped, I just don't know what and how things should be done. I need time for works to be done. I need all these damn shit to be cleared. I need time to study. My exam, they are so soon arriving. Day pass days, week pass weeks, and I have not yet done any revision yet. I work and I study, I study and I work…this is just so no life…and so tiring! I need time…need time to rest my damn heavy metal brain storing nothing but shits!

I wish to go home, somewhere which I can really call it MY home! I need a home, a cosy one for me to rest enough and be happy in it. I often stay late in office...I just don't want to go back to where I have to call a home now! That's so not home...

Yet, I wish also to go far far away. I need to escape, to runaway, to release all kinds of stress and tension.

I wish I can fly, flying in the sky freely without bound to anything.

I wish to pass my exam. I need to pass my exam. In the shortest time indeed, I HAVE TO pass my exam! I just need the ACCA graduate...but for what?

I wish for someone who could understand why I need to do so, that support and encourage me, that back me up no matter what, that take my problem to heart consoling me. But I have one only telling me that I would fail just because I pushed myself to harsh. Don't I at least deserve some praise or nice words for my hard work at least?

I wish to change, I need a change. But what type of change suits me? What am I suppose to change?

I wish for a cabinet. I need a huge giant cabinet! I want to hide. I need to hide myself into any corner of the huge giant cabinet, where I could be nowhere to be seen by anyone.

I wish to be with the sea. I need to be with the sea. Looking at the calm water, I need letting my mind to flow with the sea water, flowing to a never ending land. Or I could even drown my mind or even myself into the sea.

I need...there's so much I wish to need...but never can be fulfill.
But most of all, I wish and I need so much too be crazy! Sometime I do feel I am. My brain so heavy now, my eyes so sleepy, my mind so shut down, my body so aching, my every part is so useless...I wonder who I am, what I am or even why I am here?...

恋人未满 - SHE

2006-10-05T15:12:00.000+08:00

http://asp.rmhappy.com/...-1/200611522632.mp3

为什么只和你能聊一整夜
为什么才道别就又想再见面
在朋友里面就数你最特别
总让我觉得很亲很贴

为什么你在意谁陪我逛街
为什么你担心谁对我放电
你说你对我比别人多一些
却又不说是多哪一些

友达以上恋人未满
甜蜜心烦愉悦混乱
我们以后会变怎样
我迫不及待想知道答案

再靠近一点点就让你牵手
再勇敢一点点我就跟你走
你还等什么时间
已经不多再下去
只好只做朋友

再向前一点点我就会点头
再冲动一点点我就不闪躲
不过三个字别犹豫这么久
只要你说出口你就能拥有我

为什么你寂寞只想要我陪
为什么我难过只肯让你安慰
我们心里面明明都有感觉
为什么不敢面对
为什么你寂寞只想要我陪
为什么我难过只肯让你安慰
我们心里面明明都有感觉
为什么不敢面对

友达以上恋人未满
甜蜜心烦愉悦混乱
我们以后会变怎样
我迫不及待想知道答案

再靠近一点点就让你牵手
再勇敢一点点我就跟你走
你还等什么时间已经不多
再下去只好只做朋友
再向前一点点我就会点头
再冲动一点点我就不闪躲
不过三个字别犹豫这么久
只要你说出口你就能拥有我
我不相信
都动了感情却到不了爱情
那么贴心却进不了心底
你能不能快一点
决定对我说我爱你

再靠近一点点就让你牵手
再勇敢一点点我就跟你走
你还等什么时间已经不多
再下去只好只做朋友
再向前一点点我就会点头
再冲动一点点我就不闪躲
不过三个字别犹豫这么久
只要你说出口你就能拥有我
只要你说出口你就能拥有我

现代爱情故事 - 张智霖&许秋怡

2006-10-05T09:50:00.000+08:00

http://210.29.193.120/...（张智霖许秋怡）.mp3

女：
别离没有对错要走也解释不多
现代说永远已经很傻
随着那一宵去火花已稍逝
不可能付出一生那么多

男：
情尽时就要放过我怎会想穿心窝
若是厌弃了再不蹉跎
如共你分开应有机会再爱一个
不可能付出一生空虚过

合：
你我情如路半经过
深知道再爱痛苦必多
愿你可轻轻松松放低我
剩了些开心的追忆送走我
皆因了解之后认清楚
离别时笑笑明晨剩我一个
潇洒里也会记起当初

女：若你的心中孤单再找我

男：若你的心窝中空虚再找我

合：不必痛苦当忆起我

我会好好的-王心凌

2006-10-05T09:42:00.000+08:00

http://jc.daloo.com/audio/whhhd.mp3

我会好好的
花还香香的
时间一直去
回忆真美丽

我是想着你
一直想着你
你在我心底
变成了秘密

不要说你爱我你想我
如果你的心里没有这么做
只是勉强的敷衍我
我知道了会很难受

我要你默默走不回头
我会清楚明白你要的是什么
无须勉强的安慰我
说奇怪的理由

到现在还是深深的
深深的爱着你
是爱情的友情的都可以
那是我心中的幸福
我知道它苦苦的
----
要给你远方的祝福
我知道它苦苦的
----

少少的道理。。。

2006-10-03T17:15:00.000+08:00

做人偶尔看开一点。。。那心情也自然会美好多。。。
放松做人吧！别在执著啦！

Mixed Chats...

2006-10-03T14:33:00.000+08:00

This is a combination of topics and chats from different people. It may not make sense at all...

"FRIENDS REMAIN NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN...TILL THE END..." at least thats what i feel, think and want...

Do not analyze me, I'm unpredictable. Moreover, do not judge me, no one shall, not even myself.

There are a lot of things, things unknown, things hidden, things unpredictable.
There are, too, a lot of chances. Chances are created by oneself, grab by oneself. The chances would grow if only the oneself knew how to create the opportunity, how to grab and how to handle. Chances are always around everyone, it is not to be said given by others, but given by yourself. But, bear in mind of conditions! Chances come golden when the 3W & 1H works along, i.e. Who, Where, When & How...
As a Chinese saying goes 天时，地利，人和...

Do not question me, I'm unanswerable.

There is no answer neither a yes, nor could there be a no.
I do not like to make empty hopes.
I could not bear lying to others, but I've been lying to myself so innocently.
I could not bear hurting anyone, but I've been hurting myself so deeply.

I do not demand for anything. The choice is not mine to be held.
I do not want you waiting for me, for an unworthy, for emptiness.
Yet the choice is yours.
I do wish in my heart someone could wait.
But yet, I hate myself for being selfish.
I hope one day someone will understand me.
But I know it just so impossible, as I can't even understand myself.
I dream one night Peter Pan would bring me to wonderland,
Yet, my mind is too sound and clear.

Life is only once, there is no take two, but, unfortunately, I did!
My mother's saying “Live life fullest, like nobody's matters! Tomorrow's sorrows are not to be known.”
There is no U-turn in life, just live without regrets. But how many can go on without regretting? How many of us actually live the fullest of everyday?

My mind is confused, my nerves are all crossed. My brain has overcooked, and I'm losing controls.

Everyone has a dream. A dream is a dream, is abstract. A dream is a hope, but a hope of emptiness. A dream is easily shattered if you lose control to your dream.
“I wish my dream to come true!” Everyday thousands ad thousands of people would make a wish for their dream, but how many does really come true?
A dream remains a dream. A dream is only in the mind without real action. A dream will never ever come true.
“My dream came true!” Wonder why dream does come true?
The dream is in fact not real, but when you get it moving in reality, it will come true. Things need to be worked on to be achieved. Dream will never come true with only wishes.
The next moment you wishes for your dream to come true again, think twice! Get your butt off and work hard on it then only you would success! You are no longer a kid which needs daddy mommy to grant you the wish...
GET REAL...

But how real I am myself???... I doubt still...

Some Kinda Thoughts...

2006-09-27T14:37:00.000+08:00

Can wind really blow away my troubles?
If yes, I hope to be blown away now.
Gone with the wind to somewhere unknown,
Together with the troubles buried in the wind.

Troubles are heavy,
Wind can't blow,
Unless tornado comes,
And all shall be buried.

Can rain really wash away my sorrows?
If yes, I wish rain to wash on me now.
But rain is like tears of sorrow,
Instead being washed, I'm drowned.

Sorrows are sadness,
Tears hidden in the rain,
Storm comes, sorrows stay,
Time passes, sorrows fade.

Can sun really warmth my heart?
If yes, please shine on me now.
With the heat and fire of hell,
My heart shall be burnt to ash.

Heart is cold,
Sunshine tanned and burnt,
Only warmth of another heart,
Could release the coldness.

Why do we have troubles?
Why do we have sorrows?
Why does the heart turn icy?

These are feeling,
These means that we are alive,
And should be grateful.

But how many would be?
How many thank GOD?
Thanks that we have troubles,
Thanks that we have sorrows,
Thanks that our heart turn icy.

Trouble is a learning step to grow,
Sorrow is tears washing our eyes,
The icy heart is created,
Created for us to wait for the one,
The one with the right temperature,
To warmth and to care for,
Ice is fragile,
Ice is slippery,
So is the icy heart.

How to Make the Girl Happy

2006-09-27T10:41:00.000+08:00

WHAT A GIRL ALWAYS WANTS...
AND A GUY NEVER WILL DO...

LEAVE HER CUTE TEXT MESSAGES – guys are lazy...hmm...except some...><

KISS HER IN FR0NT 0F Y0UR FRIENDS – erm...paisheh oso gotta do so!

TRUST HER OVER EVERY0NE ELSE – not that hard rite?

TELL HER SHE L00KS BEAUTIFUL – looks can be deceiving!

L00K HER IN THE EYE WHEN Y0U TALK T0 HER – DUH!! You are not talking to the wall

TELL HER STUPID J0KES T0 MAKE HER LAUGH – but don't be an idiot lor!

LET HER MESS WITH Y0UR HAIR – so do not use super hard gel k...

MESS WITH HER HAIR – please re-comb later...

JUST WALK AR0UND WITH HER – erm...

INCLUDE HER IN ALL THINGS Y0U D0 – of coz!!

WHEN SHE CRYS D0 WHATEVER IT TAKES T0 MAKE HER SMILE – try to be an idiot!

F0RGIVE HER MISTAKES – it's not up to u to say so! She always wins!

L00K AT HER LIKES SHE'S THE 0NLY GIRL Y0U SEE – nope...comparison will give
improvement

TICKLE HER EVEN WHEN SHE SAYS ST0P – SHOO...I'm suffocating!

H0LD HER HAND EVEN WHEN Y0U ARE AROUND Y0UR FRIENDS – aiyo...so simple nia!

WHEN SHE STARTS SWEARING AT Y0U TELL HER Y0U L0VE HER

LET HER FALL ASLEEP IN Y0UR ARMS – sweet

GET HER MAD, THEN KISS HER – you want her punch or bites?

TEASE HER & LET HER TEASE Y0U BACK

STAY UP WITH HER ALL NIGHT WHEN SHES SICK – that's really sweet...and I've went tru
it personally...awfully sweet!

WATCH HER FAV0RITE M0VIEKISS HER F0REHEAD – oooo...that's so sweet

GIVE HER THE W0RLD

WRITE HER LETTERS – SMS will be good enough! Of coz...letters are memory!

LET HER WEAR Y0UR CL0THES – guys cloth always look sexy on girls...why not?

WHEN SHES SAD, HANG 0UT WITH HER – that's what guys are for!

LET HER KN0W SHE'S IMP0RTANT – nope...important take too much responsible! Guys are
more important...keke

LET HER TAKE ALL THE PH0T0S 0F Y0U SHE WANTS

KISS HER IN THE RAIN – don try to be funky in the rain though she looks hot and sexy!

CALL HER EVERY NIGHT – his bill went to thousands…sweat sweat!

AND WHEN Y0U FALL IN L0VE WITH HER, TELL HER – action? Words are zero, action is
true!

L0VE HER LIKE Y0U NEVER L0VED BEF0RE – inexperienced? Puppy love

Note to guys out there: Please review yourself...make sure you does the above for your girl to be the happiest girl in the universe!

又是闲闷的周末。。。

2006-09-23T15:58:00.000+08:00

每逢周末一道。。。就是极度闲闷的日子来临了！

五天值的我，周末六本应该在家像只猪睡到下午去才舍得起床！可惜泛贱的我却偏偏选辑上班，就因为太无聊吧！或许也是好事吧？只是从此少了点睡眠的时间，多了点上网的时间而已吧！

周末日，总没自己的自由，节目都被安排的密密，时间不够用常喘不过气来似的！有节目该是很兴奋期待才队，可是无聊的节目却是一点都起不了兴趣。

周末对我来说是种浪费时间！倒不如留在办公室日做夜作的，虽像头野牛乱闯的，可是起码有的是满足感！再不嘛。。。就一整天都呆在床上，左翻翻，右滚滚的，睡个够睡个饱！

太幼稚了吧？无聊的我就是这样的咯。。。闲闲闷闷的还是得过。。。
怎么办怎么办？？？

MARRIAGE...A Bond of TWO...

2006-09-21T14:32:00.000+08:00

What is MARRIAGE? What means does MARRIAGE consist? Why do we get married? Is marriage what a boy and a girl would hope?

IDEAL MARRIAGE...I would say...

But...
What is ideal marriage? Is a marriage a beginning of the life or an end of the life? Can marriage be assured?

Though young, but old enough and should understand what MARRIAGE is. It took me quite some time to digest the stuff. I have came across girls, or rather young women who yearn so much to marry.

She yearned so much just to marry. Naively, she did get registered to the guy called husband 8years ago. There was no traditional wedding banquet held, not even a wedding photo taken till now. To her, these are all as well important. For times she got the guts to urge the so called husband for all this. She even paid the deposit to try to get her wedding photo taken. But it all ended in ashes, it was never to be done.

The worst part was yet to come. The “loving” husband back on her, for affairs...not only once, but twice or thrice. But, I pitied her a lot. Sad to say, her marriage ruined partly her life. It sounded kind like a nightmare. Unfortunately, this girl just like me, try going against her own fate, though knowing already she will never be happy. May call this stupid and dumb, but more to be naïve...or rather stronghold, persistent.

Every one has a dream of own marriage. Dream of the groom or bride he/she wants to marry, whether a prince or a princess, rich and famous or just some outstanding kind. Dream of the marriage to be huge and grand, banquets, hotels, guest...these are dreams of hope. How many of us can actually made the dreams all come true? It is just fantasy, happiness of the empty. Yet this happiness is the one and only hopes which people would survive and wait. When it arrives is just another doubt.

An ideal marriage is the reality. It may be simple, yet meaningful. But, nowadays, the couples would just have to face some reality's gossip, which complains that the wedding may be a disgust. Not only this, a marriage now happening is no longer only a dream, but its happening in real. There are too much factor to consider, but yet failed to be followed and be ignored in full by some. We are not trying to talk the traditional but, the ideal and the real stuff about marriage.

Marriage was supposed to be a happening of the two and no others. Marriage is a tying bond for the relationship of the two, is just another stage of life, only with an extra piece of white paper signed. In short, marriage is only a signature. This explains why it is not any good assurance, as a signature is just so simple, like signing a credit card transaction. Instead, these signatures end up involving a lot of people and stuffs. And yet, the involvement is no assurance, yet additional head cracking.

Marriage with or without a wedding does it really matter now? Should it be such a big deal?... It may as now this issue involves more people more than ever. It is an event, a must to inform all. Well, but the dream of hope may not come true as it was dreamt, and the ideal is not going to be recognized by all most of the times. Human has this habit of gossiping no matter how it was done. So, shouldn't the preparation list, the consideration list grow long enough to cover the wedding floor which would be walked through only by this couples? What all these mean? Aren't people forgetting what real means should a marriage carry?

Talking so much about what the marriage means, what are the dreams and what is ideal, come to think of it, I am one kind of girl that yearn to marry but yet fear too much to marry.

I do not know who shall I marry, and I daren't dream of anything, to afraid to dream so. But, I do dream of the grand and huge banquet being held in hotels (Golden Horses Palace would be great and wonderful), having all guests invited and accommodated, feeling honored to my wedding. But, not knowing who the groom shall be, it became a wedding without a groom...IMPOSSIBLE! So it's vainly only a dream. It is all only a dream.

After all bugging from my mom, after all persuasion of my mom, I ended up persuading my mom of me not getting married yet any of this time. It is not that marriage was no part my dream, but I hardly can imagine any ideal marriage for myself yet. In short, I do not know what my ideality is to be. All I have is dream of emptiness, dream of nothing real, dream of the lies.

I fear of marriage just as I fear of hope breaking. I am no angel, but instead I am the destroyer of myself. Hopes to me are never some wonderful things, but a cut deep on the flesh, a pain in the ass.

Marriage is easier said than be done, although all it costs is only one signature from the two on the white sheet. But to me, my hands are just as heavy and signature could not be easily signed. This is a sheet, or be nice…an agreement of a lifetime. It is not to be torn or renewed at anytime when it is dirt or when it has any tear and wear. Many may look at it rather easy going, anytime you may just unsigned and divorce just as you break up during the courting period.

But, I guess, I am no this type of people. I may be some rare ones. I fear the agreement just as I fear the marriage. I fear that I may not be well enough to manage the marriage well. I fear that funny things may happen after the agreement is done.

Some may says that with the signature you may be guaranteed by some rules. Yes...breaching of contract, you will get remedies. But, can it repair the hurt done? Human are to be guided by some rules, in some ways. But having a marriage guarded by rules/laws, doesn't this sound a bit funny? I agree there should be some rules in marriage, but it's the rules in the heart and not written rules. P/S* only monkeys need the dead rules...!

Since there are so much complication about marriage, why does people still chooses to marry?

What Type Am I cum What Is My Type?

2006-09-19T16:39:00.000+08:00

Out of no where...I wonder how much I know about myself, I wonder how much I know what I want and what I need. An how much you actually know me?

Describe Me:

Young and dumb, naïve and cute. Well, there people who says I'm petit, I'm cute, I'm smart. Yet there are too people who says I'm too naïve, I'm dumb, and I'm stupid!

Let me make a hard guess:
She's not a girl, not yet a woman. She's just a young lad trying to outgrow her physical and mental feeling, pushing hard on everything which come by and pass. She's just stubborn, often going against some stupid silly stuff, getting her head banged on the hardest wall again and again repeatedly.

She is dumb enough not knowing to learn from her mistake, but whining and regretting over stuff unchangeable. For people who knows or not knows her, she is a grumpy old granny bugging and whining any and everything.

Though sometime, she does try to outgrow her maturity. And yes, she did. She can often be very mature, but still she carries her childishness, her manja-ness. That is who she really is. No matter who she is with, she is she herself, no acting. She's one thing...REALITY.

But surrounding her are the falsehood of the world. Often, she is blurred by the falsification. She buried herself together with it after the tiredness in the reality. Knowing she'll get herself troubled, stubborn her insisted. Digging a grave after another, that is her ending. A saying goes“爱情是坟墓” “Love is a dead man's grave”… but someone smartly make this reply “没有爱情是死无葬身之地” “Without love is dying without a grave”. Funny, with or without love, the end is only to be dead.

Since young, this young little girl had been yearning for true real love. But she failed, and she fell hard right in the middle of nowhere. Long time, she's been giving up in everything, even in herself. She does not want to hope, as hope breaks her heart every single no and then. She kept things silly to herself, never revealing her own hardship.

Often, people think that this poor girl needs a lot of protection. Yes, indeed she needs protection a lot. But there are no shields which can protect her from harm. She learned to shield herself instead. Her shield to the world outside is a huge and thick barrier. With her character, and what she had gone through, her shield grew thicker than ever. She's being too protective, over protective… to herself and to anyone who is beside her. Often, she knew the expiry of stuffs around her, as I said stubborn her stupidly ignored and get herself sick! Aih...one day she'll really lie in her own hand dug grave.

There was once a fortune teller says that she never believe in her fate and always going against it, banging eggs to the stone, breaking her own limbs. It's true and she got herself broken everywhere. Dear oh my dear girl, when shall you start to learn to give in. relax and enjoy? 心碎了。。。还是不懂！

But somehow, a little bit she belief in her own palm. Palm reader says her palm are one of those rare type, but for sure she'll find her destiny…just that there is a lot of obstacle in her life. She’s been yearning for that destiny to come. But could she make it or could the destiny make to the stubborn girl, future is not to be known yet.

Let's describe my type.
Hmm... needy of someone mature protective... Well, sparks is what she want, that is what she is lacking. Pity her. Any good sparks out there?

To be more specific and real, a real one is what she need. Someone being himself, someone able to protect her, someone telling what she done is wrong, and encouraging her. Someone there to bring her up when she falls, someone who can manage her being sticky than sticky rice. Someone who is able to let her express and be herself.

Instead of digging her grave for her, she would wish someone to build a heaven for her. A paradise, a place which she could place her heart in called a home... with peace! She has good imagination of the life she wants, but she understand the reality that its hard to achieve, unless, GOD is willing to give her her own ginger bread man to create. Anyone out there would like to be created into her ginger bread man?

This young lad here is still searching for the meaning of LIFE. Her life has been full of obstacle since young. She always wish to be freed like a bird. She's got dozens of imagination but unable there isn't anyway for her to fulfill these imaginations. She is one out of the millions which has a very negative field in all and everything.
“Girl...mind to let go what you ought to? That's the only way to free yourself and success your imagination!” This piece of advice has been told over and over billions of time, by others. It's either her conscience is dead or shes stubbornly gripping to the expiry stuff, maybe she's trying to commit a suicidal incident to herself, unless she's deaf and dumb.

TIMES UP! Young lad, it's time to make a turning point of your life before the grave merges the whole world and hit the hell. You know yourself well enough, and you ought to know what you shall work on. But still she wonder... is there any point namely RIGHT for her? Or shall she hide the rest of her life in the underground world isolated from the falsified world, abandoning what is wrong as well as the right?

One day, when you find no reply from this young lad... she may have turn into a bird flew away finding for hope... or she may have just hid herself in a undiscovered cave.

But, for the meantime, “ she's gave up hope to look for love, but still carries a slight hope that love would find her”......

Homesick...

2006-09-18T18:53:00.000+08:00

Out of sudden, i just felt so insecure! I miss home so much.

Mummy... i miss ur cooking so much. Haiz...

Somemore, all my friends going back to Malaysia soon. I'm gonna missed out all the fun with them!

Aih...bro bro miss u so much! When shall we dance cha cha as promised? U gotta look after me not to let me fall leh!

Daddy, daddy...u ar...neva miss ur lui lui! Change phone number oso no tell me! Hit u ar!

Aih...all the clubbing, disco-ing, pub-ing, drinking, dancing...miss the old times with all my good old friends...

When can i go home??? I miss home so much so much! I miss KL...

Twins - 我很想爱他

2006-09-18T10:20:00.000+08:00

歌手：TWINS
专辑：八十块环游世界

http://www.fh1314.net/shellyinyue/whxat.mp3

作曲:林俊杰
作词:何启弘

(sa)天空下起雨了
他撑的伞
在你的身边陪着
(g)可是我不快乐
因为看见他脸上的笑
是很勉强的

(sa)我很想爱他
但是眼睛在说谎
隐瞒比较容易吧
免得感情变得复杂

但是理智在吵架
退出可以解围吗
谁能给我一个好的回答

(sa)爱情是模糊的
可怜的是
没有勇气选择

如果再舍不得
这样下去
我们每个人
都是受害者

(sa)当爱情陷在危险边缘
(g)是否都会伤痕累累
(合)是否都会苦不堪言
(合)爱情教会我们都放不下

Just a Reply...

2006-09-18T10:18:00.000+08:00

>> Sometime
I forget to say
“Are you ok?”

And sometime
I even miss to say
“Hi!”

But that
Doesn’t mean u r forgotten
Coz u r a princess in my heart
Tat I’ll always remember <<

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For all this time
That u have forgot
That u have missed
I’ve been…
Really missing u like crazy!

For times u forgot to say
“Are you ok?”
U’ll be punished twice the time

For the times u missed to say
“Hi!”
U’ll regret twice the time

So it is my turn now…
To make a small revenge!
To have u missed me
More than I do
More than ever

The sayings go
Being liked
Is better than liking
Being missed
Is better than missing
Being loved
Is the greatest feeling!

忘记。。。

2006-09-18T10:00:00.000+08:00

“没消息
并不代表
我已忘记了你

不要介意
不必担心
我记得你

但还是
要给你
一点信息

因为这样

才会觉得

我想你。。。小公主”

~~~~~ REPLY ~~~~~~

没了你的消息
以为你又失踪
机会又被遗失

没有你的消息
以为你找到了
找到你的幸福

没有你的消息
真以为你忘了
把我忘得干净

没有你的消息
恐怕我会胡思
胡思乱想的傻

没有你的消息
恐怕我会忘记
忘记你的长相
忘记你的声音
忘记你的感觉
忘记你的存在

最重要的却是
忘记怎么忘记
怎么把你忘记
把你从我脑袋
从我脑袋抽出
忘记你在脑袋
在脑袋里旋转
我真得忘记了
忘记了
怎么把你忘掉。。。

Just Some Thoughts

2006-09-16T19:07:00.000+08:00

What really is infatuation? It's kinda crush type of feeling. It used to be short, and foolish as well! But a lot of relationship came growing passing by this stage. It's kinda love at sight...as I said short term and non fundamental!

Well I used to wonder what is it, till I have the felt it really for myself! But sadly, that was not how my relationship was all grown with.

Funny yet true. People get infatuated with me like mushroom growing wild in the woods after the rain, and believe it or not...it's seasonal! The maximum number I had guys crush on me at a time was...erm...was it 6 or 9? Can't really remember!

That was when I was intended to drop off my ex... Damn... I've dug a grave just for the curiosity I had in mind! Wasted! Then I fall into a pit again wrongly! But this time I chose to make the wrong move. I went all out just for the fun I felt lost! E2e...so what u said was right after all...!(how could you have understand me so much!) Well, and yes I did. I did have a lot of fun for then! I think of no studies, think of no work, think not even my family, not even for my own sake! I just wanna feel playful, I just wanna be playful!

But the fun ended in a very short time...everything does not seems to go right, does not seems to go the way I wanted. It all went so messed up... I've been always able to clean up others messes...but had never able to clear my own. FAILURE! ...

Just within a short moment, with accident happening, my best friend passing away...etc... I was so just confused! I didn't want anything. I didn't even want my life...it had becoming so meaningless...

But dumb enough for me not doing anything, after so much so much that had happen...(it was really much for a small gal like me, especially a lot more hidden stuff)...
The undone was left hung outside somewhere the universe... till now it’s been dried up I guess... just like me and my life... dry like hay grass!

Phew...I really dunno what can I do or what am I capable to do! Thoughts all the while in my mind just came unlocking... all I felt is now drown...in nowhere... I wish to have the seaside just beside me... to drown myself deeply inside! ...~ Drowning Little Duckling~

Loving my Work vs Loving my "Home"

2006-09-16T14:55:00.000+08:00

Is there anything wrong with loving to work?

Almost got into another deep shit again this morning. He just dislikes me working late… bug bug bug all he wants!

My job in Singapore was the beginning of my carrier…this is where I learned to grow up, to be matured…tho still I am very very the childish!... For some reason, I just love to work late. Even though knowing that no OT would be given, I just have the urge to hid myself in the office working working non stop… and one thing funny, I never feel tired. Until as soon as I stepped out of the office, then the sleepy worm will come…

Not too sure am I myself a workaholic, or just that I don like to be home. Since young I have never like home. My home was never called a home instead I should call it a hell.

Through working, I get a lot of satisfaction! By seeing my work done, I’m happy and glad, also my knowledge is gained by a bit more. Bit by bit, I would have my knowledge filled, isn’t that a good thing?

Well, though at times, I complain a lot bout my job, but I still love my work! I love to gain the satisfaction. It’s more than just the feeling, it’s indescribable. I always have this feeling that if no one would to bug me, chasing me to go home at a specific time, no curfew, then I could have work and work and work till I’m tired and fall asleep maybe after 36/48 hours. That was just what me and my colleague discuss.

It is not that we like to work so much, but our work is quite complicated, and our bosses…aih! The only way to clear this shit are in the quiet night and on the peaceful weekend. Even though tiring, but we felt happy at least with ourselves and our work.

Is there any wrong to be a workaholic? Is there any wrong just to satisfy ourselves through work? Or is just that we do not have enough coziness from home?

I just hate to stay home…especially ALONE! I wish to be freed…

Define LOVE...

2006-09-09T16:13:00.000+08:00

Is love defineable? Love is a feeling? Love is when u can give up everything for your other half?

Someone please tell me what is love. How do you consider love?

A relationship definitely need LOVE to sparks. But do you know there are many relationships which went on and on without love. Imagine the olden days, people got married not based on love.

L - Life
O - Over
V - Virtual
E - Event

Love is abstract...Boys and Girls...WAKE UP!!! The cock is crowing!

There is no need to say "I love u", there is no need to ask "do you love me" " why do you love me" "how deep you love me"...
Does the answer assured you anything? Does it gurantee your future? Do you earn anything from it?...

There are r/ship which started with sparks, there are r/ship which started from infatuation, there are some which grew merely as friends, there are also which moved on from aquaitance. But both of mine started stupidly. One out of curiosity, and ended digging a deep muddy dirty grave for myself! Continuingly, i fall into a pit with alot of poison balloons, yet there are plenty of medication. I try to cure my wound from the first with the medication, without enraging the poison balloons. I am now still surrounded with the poisonous balloons. Hai...do i get a choice? Do i get to choose for once? Aih.......

Never mind that, as long as i don get killed by the poisonous balloons...

No matter how a r/ship started, sparks or not...after sometimes, it would need to come to face another stage if you would to make it last! That's an advice i had once! True, i think. A r/ship cant gurantee cant assured by itself. Just like your job, your position. You just need to go on to improve, to assure yourself, if you do not want to stay way out, or even fall.

The point is, do you know which state are you in? Do you know how you should feel by now? Do you know what you should do? And importantly, can you do what you should do?

"If i have the answer to all the question, i won't be her..." hehe...e2e, i stole ur words...

My Ambition, My Dream

2006-09-08T10:53:00.000+08:00

Somemore just knock me awake. "What's your ambition? What's your dream?"

Hey i almost forget this big dream of mine. It's not dreaming of getting a dream guy, not ambitious of being a superstar.

When i was working in my younger days, i once worked as a kindergarten teacher. Yes, kids...my beloved small kids. That's a paradise. No matter how tiring you were at then, you would be so potentially energized when bunches of kiddo come running beside you.

My dream was to have my own nursery! Since the damn accident, i quite lose faith that i am able to give birth, not because i'm infertile! DUH!! *touchwood* Just that since the pelvic had been seriously fractured...erm...i tink being pregnant for 10 month would be either quite impossible or really a pain in the ass!

Though i have not gave up dreaming of having my own babies...but building my own nursery, seeing alot different kids...Hard to imagine the happiness with kids. I'm yearning this to come true one day. So even impossible to have a kid of my own...i still could have many many children.

Life could be so wonderful at times...aaaaah...so sweet!

DEATH...yet to come!

2006-09-06T16:21:00.000+08:00

Out of sudden...i just fear death so much.

Since the accident happened, since my best fren passed away, since i know alot more tings bout myself, sledomly i fear to die. My mom had the killer illness of cancer. Thank GOD she's cure more than 15years ago. I was told we sisters are all prompt to be inherited.

Doctor has told me i had very bad infection and would need the operation immediatly. I refused, i scared! He say the operation shall not be delayed, as it would worsen becoming CANCER!
For more than 2years now, i'm still the same without any operation done to my nose. Hey...harlo, i'm still alive, living not bad leh! But of coz i know myself lah...the condition is no good...getting worse n worse. See doctor? Again? Dowan lah! Don't u know sick people always hate to see doctor. They hate the words coming out of the doctors. About how serious u are, how bad it could be, u gotta do this do that, this cannot that cannot!

Aiya...life is so short, why must i restrict myself just becoz i'm sick? Just to live abit longer? Or to suffer abit more?...Put it this way...i don like living to long. To me, it's not enjoyable, its only suffering!

Recently, not only my ENT getting worse, my headache too. Doctor used to say it was migrain, but when i head to the specialist, he say it due to infections in my ENT system. But then it does only feel like migrain, only headahce on one side mah! But now, when it ache i wish to pull the whole scalp off or chop the whole head off!... But normally this happen when i cry too much or when i have bad bad nose blockage(which is also ENT infections)!

Next would be my spinal, from the neck to the end! Since i was 10, i'm seen to be like an alien, trying all ways to easen the pain on my neck and my stiff shoulder! And really i do look like a monkey at then! Doctors all say, it's just stress, stress. See a bone specialist...Stress Stress, excercise more, rest more...bla bla bla!
At last...this mystery is broken! It was neva stress, it was never becoz i carried my school bag too heavy, never due to lack of exercise or rest! It's all one word - SCOLIOSIS!!! My spinal was tat way since i was born after the 3rd specialist look through my x-rays carefully. I was shocked! 22 years, now only i knew i was born abnormal! My x-rays show from my neck to my tail bone, its S-shape, not the normal curve from sideway, but from the front. Imagine u have a towel trying twisting the towel, what do u see? Twisted rite. Imagine that on my spinal! Yeah, does that not look like a snake!! Guess that what i reincarnated from.

Now, the pain for all are getting worse and worse. I've forsee my death, or rather, i've seen death pass by beside me, just that at then it wasn't time for me! I'm ready, but now, i fear! Fear not death itself, but fear the process, fear of the pain, fear of losing alot other stuffs.

Bless Me...i do not wish to live long, yet i do not wish death to come too soon.

Misunderstanding!

2006-09-06T15:21:00.000+08:00

Had a quarrel last week end, crying damn long, or mayb trying to get some sympathy. Gals always lik tat.
Aih...only one small sms then ended up a quarrel. Useless couple!
One party is bored having no life doing nothing, all she did was sms him.
The other party having found, drinking, trying out cigars at karaoke, company anniversary wor! Sms not replied, call not returned. Tats how the gal got a black black face!
All she wants is someone to teman lah!
But all he wants is absolute freedom, but she did not intend to control his freedom at all leh!
Aih...just some little misunderstanding, end up to be a miserable day, or week.
Both are back to the regular position now, but somehow...yes there is some points in each. This is unavoidable lah!
...Let it be, let it be...no one can ever control tings like tis!
As the saying goes, whatever is urs is urs. When time comes, u'll have to learn to let go if u have to.
Wish me luck lah!

Stress ==> Sick...

2006-08-22T14:57:00.000+08:00

Phew...3 sleepless nite...OMG...
Whats happening to me!! Since Saturday nite, i've been insomia... then vomitting!!...NO GOOD!!!

Trying to set up a system for my company. Uncle accountant charging too much! The charges could be a good pay rise for me lor! Stupid bosses!! Now only realise this...haih...
Busy busy...only thinking using up alot of brain energies leh! But physically still can do nothing till it's really set up to start...

But i have one big fear...the uncle neva do the account in actual...instead he "ESTIMATE", at least that is what he always tell me when i ask for opening balance or any working sheets...DAMN man! Oh no...no opening balance...am i suppose to work tru the whole account from the begining of the establishment 2yrs ago till now??
I dowanna die so early leh! Heasache...this is one big stress...

My ex-colleague is willing to start the beginning with me...but with a charge of SGD 500...my boss either kill me or we would rather stop the whole setting up idea... She ar...grrr...
Cut my boss throat also don tink on my behalf lor!...Stress...thinking how to lower the price!

Then studies...hey one good news at last...
My result came out yesterday...CAT Audit... after 3time trying to pass the paper...failed twice...at last!!! I passed aready!! But after 3 yrs...tis is awfully shame lor! Really useless me man!

Now every nite i study till at least 1.30-2am. I dowanna fail anymore!! Now that i am lucky enough to pass... i would be exempted for part 1...proceeding part 2...
ACCA is not easy...100 timesmore difficult to pass...(erm...tats my opinion...tats wat i tink...and tink it shd b)
2.1 Information System ==> me totally, completely illeterate
2.2 Business Law ==> me no lawyer...but me pandai to argue and find lobang! so ended uo the class always sounded with my voice...thinking of all kind stupid example but lecturer say i finding lobang to escape my wrong doing leh!
2.3 Singapore Taxation ==> well, at last a computation subject...But a damn lecturer i have!! He just would not mark our works...all he does is teach then give us lotsa works to do, but never discuss!!! Also...he make us all come for holiday classes-full day somemore!!!

Now, i am so worn out...but there's no time to rest...
I'm in a war!!! War of Life!!! War for Living!!
I wan my dream house, a cosy family...my target...to be achieved!! If only i can suceed...aih...i'm doubting aready now!!!

人。。。的道理

2006-08-16T09:50:00.000+08:00

今早，随手翻翻报纸拣到梅艳芳生前的照片。好奇之下，就读了那篇章起来。由于时间太早，大脑还美苏星根本不知道读的是什么！可笑！哈！不过，却很清楚记得一行字。

这是梅艳芳生前说过的一句话。
“做人真的好雷，若可以选择我要当一只小鸟自由自在地在天空飞翔！”

我举手抬脚非常同意咯！虽我是无知傻头傻脑的，有时还像个大小孩，我的心其实很老很老的。经过一段漫长的二十二年，发生过许许多多的趣事丑事，也经历了各种风雨波折至今还没看到一线的成功，真得很气馁，很累！

我常想我婆婆发牢骚。总是怨天怨地的，叛逆的我甚至会埋怨我父母把我带来这世界上。年幼无知的我，由于曾经过一段非常困苦的路程，辛苦的被人撑了起来。盆骨被撞击激裂，医生就告知我一是个比自己实际年龄老十年的家伙了！也可能如此，我的话题常都会反映出我已踏入老年级的阶段了。

我的盆骨常常都会很剧烈地疼痛。这是免不了的也是我永远的痛，永远的负担，永远的事情。这也成为了我与婆婆之间的话题。我婆婆常会讥笑我年纪小小，却把自己画成个老头子。
“阿婷啊！你笑笑就这么唠叨埋怨，左痛右疼的，什么时候才痛到我那么老啊？”

嘻嘻！有时可真地说得对！人还年轻的我，可是要过一些像老人家的疼痛，做人真的好辛苦好累，老人家是更加不用讲啦！

最近也真是累透了啦！工作时间是非常短朝9晚5，可是加上每个星期二，三，四都得赶着下市中心上课直到晚上十点，在赶到回家已经是夜晚接近十一点，吃饭洗澡都十二点出了，还得勉强支撑着体力翻阅书本温温习。真是很疲倦！早上七点就得赶快爬起床，趁家里还没有人醒来，我先把汤褒好把饭弄好，好让我亲爱的回家时有晚餐吃免得又要痴痴等我迟迟归来才吃晚饭。没上课的晚上我却忙着准备当晚的饭菜，吃饱后又得忙明天的需要！现在我终于体会到家庭主妇真难当！可是我总见我妈妈来去非常自如的，无忧无虑的没烦恼的就可煮出一顿美味晚餐。身为女儿的我感到有点羞辱，绞尽脑汁都还不知要煮些什么！

总而言之，生活上有太多太多的压力烦恼。或者是未雨绸缪，也可说是自己没事拿来烦的。所以，小鸟真是幸福可以自由在空中飞翔！可是当他们遇到老鹰时，还是猎人所谓目标是。。。后果将会不堪设想！

那么人类幸福还是小鸟幸福呢？。。。唉。。。倒不如说世上所有的生物都难做。。。

Lunar Seventh Month...

2006-08-11T09:32:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure if i should be supertituos over the happenning recently.

It's now the 18th day of the chinese seventh month now, also known as the ghost festive month.

My mom used to restrict me from going out late at night during this month, as she say there are alot of "hing tai" arousing, wondering everywhere. To be on the safe side, we were told to stay at home.

Since the starting of seventh month, there was already 3death of someone that i known of.

First, was my very best ex colleague's father passing away on the 4th day of seventh month 28/07/06. He had colon cancer and mild stroke...

Second, also my another ex colleague's, a pantry aunty, husband. On the 14th day of seventh month 07/08/06, he passed away also with colon cancer...

Third, my grandaunt, on the 17th day of seventh month 10/08/06, she rest in peace. She was complaining that she did not feel well, so the kind loving husband immediately called the doctor to come over. But, sadly before the doctor arrive, she drop out. This is really shocking. She was ever healthy, only abit weak, always walking up and down, she even went to Great Wall of China.

Last night, after getting the news, i saw some other people setting up for a funeral too at the deck downstair my flat. I'm not trying to be sensitive, but...it does not feel good.

Summing all situations and wrong feeling together, i felt a chill over me...

I fear, not for myself...but sorry to say fear for my granmother.

She has insisted to come all the way down to Singapore. An old person sending another on the road...bet you know what i am thinking. Try observing this, look at the area around, whether is it people related or non related to you, or in the neighbourhood, if one person started to have incident like this, it would rise like mushroom.

Once when i was in my boyfriend hometown, the same small village, someone passed away. The next day, another few coincidently followed. It is just like a disease, spreading over.

When i was young, i used to see this situations happening, but due to youngness, i was too naive to understand. Still fresh in my mind, i remember the situtation of my grandfather's funeral. On the third day, after we send him off, storm came along. Aluminum roof was blown away, thunder lightning striking non stop. Was it a good or bad sign? Shortly, at least two others, living in the same street of the neighbourhood, followed my grandfather's path.

Yes, undeniable but reluctantly, i am supertituos, very, and i fear alot.......

SAD NEWS

2006-08-11T09:19:00.000+08:00

My grandaunt, in Singapore, pass away...

She is my youngest sister of my grandmother. Though not really close, but still we chat quite when we meet. She's cute and funny, likes to cover her face with pure white baby powder. In fact, she is jolly jolly type of grandmother who loves dolls. When i was young i used to come to Singapore to her house. Then she would bring me and my sister telling us that she has a whole room of babies...

Of coz, me and my sis are so fond of babies, and the room of "babies" turn out to be a whole room full of DOLLY... dolls from all over the country, China, Vietnam, Thailand etc...

When she came over to my house, i showed her my "babies", my cute little ones - hamster. OMG, should have cameraed her looked and post it at then. She was so happily playing with my hamster, and she cutely told her husband she wanna buy hamster from M'sia back to S'pore. Funny...with her children character, her husband is so used to treat her like a kid, always with her no matter what. Yes, old and very loving couple!

They have only one son, and is married and migrated to US...now with the news, they should be on their way rushing back.

Grand Aunt, do rest in peace. Love n miss u alwayz.........

Lost Chance vs Golden Opportuinity

2006-08-04T19:23:00.000+08:00

Phew...at last sometime to blog the thing which i've been longing to let out.

Dear...Seriously you've poped me a very surprising question. But how serious did the conversation actually go i think we both doubted right? Truely, i doubt myself to. Not becoz i don't like you, nor is whatever in your mind now!

My life...as i always say A Disaster!! Yes, indeed. A linear graph can neva draw my life! Instead, it's a very very hilly, with deep deep valley sharp down beneath! I am so not sure what or how would i end up to be. I'm one who is always confidentless in life.

I've been in two relationship, and currently still going on in the second one. How well is it, i do not dare to describe, as i know fate will always go against me. If i am confident that any good thing gonna happen to me, fate, or i would call it devil or my life destroyer would always grasp the good nice beautiful thing away from me. Maybe its Karma. Maybe i've not been good initially fate is punishing me not letting me have any good thing in my life.

Both relationship i was in and am in, they started the one same way. Infatuation, or i would rather say playfullness.

The first relationship, it was through some "frens"...Argh...to think back, its...eeeew......
Well, at then i was young, and very naive! It did not start becoz of any sparks, not even a drop of feeling. Not knowing what courtship was and what love was, i fell! I fell just becoz i wanna try out, wanna know how it feels when you are in love, wanna know how does courtship feels! Yes, i fell so badly. Fell in to The Well of Hell Fire. I was burnt so badly!

Noone knows how bad did it went except for you. You were there for me always. Not only a shoulder for me to cry over, also a punching bag for me release. At then, i knew. I knew what you feel for me, and i knew how i feel too... But i'm already ruined. I dowanna ruin you. Mostly i dowanna ruin our relationship. I do not know how i would end up...what happen if fate take away my good things again? Not only i would lost a love again, I'll evenlost my best best bestest friend who have been so close so close too me. So i ignore...and i know you understand!

Very fastly, i was into the second relationship. The same way it happen. No sparks, but with was infatuation this round. It started, not really becoz of the infatuation, but instead to forget the past, forget the burnt smell on and in me.

I still remember how down you were at then. I still remember you telling me to considr carefully, though not asking me to cinsider you. All becoz you care so much for me that you dowanna see me being burn being hurt again.

Yes...but i neva heed what you say...i bang my head in again. All with only one hope! hope to be better this time. I know my life! I know fate will neva let me have any nice pretty things. So i might just as well go along the road and grasp what i could and really appreciate! I do not dare to choose, or rather i do not want to make the choice.

Now that you are giving me another opportunity. A Golden Opportunity! But, seriously i dare not choose. Please, Please, Please...i beg to my fate...can youfor once let me have something nice?

Hasty Buzz...

2006-08-01T09:28:00.000+08:00

It has been very busy days...

I promised my dear that i would write a blog...but sorry dear...i still don't have time to!
So, i just have to apologize first then re-write one when i actually have free free time to express OK?

Works full time 9-5, studies 3 days a week at night, non study night OT in office till eight, Saturday if can get out of bed you'll either see me in office from 10-6 or 7, otherwise at home editing and finishing my work on my bed PLUS...a very very busy homely woman, cooking, washing, cleaning, Sunday no rest also!!!go jalan jalan, clean wash cook...

One word to my life => ROUTINE!!

Boring?? not so much but VERY TIRING!!! I wanna rest i need a rest! But how to rest...Tension ya!!! (my bf would wish to strike toto...hundred thousand then he'll rest whole month!!!haha...)

Me really really no time!!!!!.....Help!!!

Time Not Enough!!!

2006-07-24T16:55:00.000+08:00

Argh...
There are so much things i wanna do...
There are so much i wanna say...
There are so much things i wanna blog...
But i just don have enough time...
ARGH.................

I wanna rest rest rest...
I wanna sleep sleep sleep...
I am so tired...
I am so strengthless...
I am so helpless...

I feel so weak...
I feel so useless...
I feel so lazy...

I donno wat i wan...
I donno wat i need...

Can someone please tell me.............

无奈非比。。。

2006-07-24T12:15:00.000+08:00

整个周末，不知为何非常无奈无比的，做么都非常的心烦，总是想哭想撞墙的。

他总是喊累，累个不停无精无力的。是厌倦还是真的工作太累？
她却无缘无故发脾气，很任性的，时时刻刻吵吵嚷嚷。多亏他还会嘟气迁就忍让，哄着她的。她天性并非任性，只是遇上个疼惜她的他，所以经常都要被哄得。或许是小事缺乏了哎，而大来时就依赖性强。

可是最近多了一些不可思议的事情。也不只是她胡思还是另有其因的。
到底是他令她失去了信心及安全感，让她疑惑非比。还是她对自己的没了信心？

她心情最近都反复无常。他最近都是精疲力尽的心情也不见得多么好。
可是她总算还很幸福，或该说成被表面的幸福蒙在雾里。有时事实并非那么好。这是指俩人的事实。或许俩人都会有背叛心，只是不想去揭穿对方把彼此的心割伤。

她多么希望这无奈会快点地结束。就算有么秘密也让它们一起被埋没吧！她只望目前可以安安乐乐的风平浪静，暂时都不想多想，因为她实在不懂得选择。可是她很明白这一天始终会到来！！放心，该解决的时候就面对时就要勇于面对。相信会有人支持她的！

是伟大的牺牲还是愚蠢的保护？

2006-07-11T18:07:00.000+08:00

很怀疑的。。什么是牺牲？怎么样的牺牲是伟大？怎么样的牺牲是愚蠢？

父母为了孩子日做夜挨的，这是伟大吗？孩子乖巧听话孝顺，好好感激感谢，无论多么大的牺牲艰苦，都会在云霄中消失。可是，叛逆的孩子一声的我恨我讨厌，难道这一切一切的辛苦也还是伟大牺牲？

那男女感情间的牺牲呢？又要怎么解释？先别把这种牺牲看成哪一种难堪的情况！普通点来说，当个女生爱上开始变成依赖时，她要他时时刻刻都在身边陪伴自己。即使了解这位男生要的未必是这种生活，她还是会一直缠绵着要这种生活，导致生活圈子越来越小。若两者都是斗士的大忙人，她会选择他选份较普遍的工作以获取更多的时间陪伴自己。而久为了这吃不消的生活，她宁愿自己辛苦多做来帮补这生活。这我深信就是愚蠢，十分的愚蠢。

那位公司又要怎么算？每天做OT，连加班的薪水一分都没有，可是老板却还是有不满。日日夜夜做个牛为么？公司又不是我们的，拼了老命却还是不受重用，反被呼呼喝喝的还怀疑员工吃蛇偷吃之类的又何必呢？真地想起来做人是否未免太辛苦了啊？忠忠直直的又只会被人玩笨，转弯太多人总会累坏！

到底怎么样的牺牲才会有价值？怎么样才会受人敬仰赞赏认同？做人只好什么都别计较，那我看应该会好过很多，只是永远都会是吃亏的那个！唉。。。世上无事是十全十美的！认命了吧！人生本来就是那么不公平的啦！有人从中得益也一定有人亏败咯！可悲可悲。。。

Busy Life...

2006-07-06T09:40:00.000+08:00

It has been quite sometime since my last post. Exam ended, so start my busy life in my new company Sorby Marine. This company was set up quite sometime but too bad mo system was done over and account in a real mess, plus another danger is company not doin so well. Thanks to one of the director or so called the "prince" 太子 or 败家仔! Damn he spend like no body business and all personel expenses come to the company. Imagine expenses S$ 28,000++ for one credit card per month, and he owns not only one credit card.

Come to think of it, it's really unfair. We have two directors sharing evenly, and recently a Taiwanese fella joined in too, sharing off equally. I wonder why does the other director not get mad with the "prince". And i relly pity that Taiwanese fella. "Prince" uses him like an extra large waterfish. Already investing USD900,000++ into this small little company, still liquidity is low!

Though the Taiwanese fella maybe a goldmine, still a goldmine would go dry. Moreover his wife is so very petty, questioning so much. One day, they'll find out their investment is into the deep sea nowhere to be found.

Both the director did argue over this issue but it just ended in the mid air without solution. How i wish the Mr Nice director would break up with the "prince". I believe he would not let the company go bad. It's his sweat and blood here. As for the "prince", he has a home running business which he "loaned" from there to run his share here, and the fact we owed his home business the loan he actually used to invest into business. Very funny, he personally borrowed to run business ended up business owe the loan.

UNFAIR!!!

Haiz...that's the working life...challenging but yet too many brother brother business...boring! It's such a watse off time, valueless not even commision earned still we have to bear charges for all this "heng dai"!!

Not my business lah! One eye open do my stuff, go home, DONE! Audit soonto come, fortunate not me answering, some so called qualified but not even 1% professional uncle "accountant" will do so. Since he is able to give me a whole list of wrong amount saying it's all "estimated" i hope he passes the audit. If not please pray hard for me to get a job fast!

Phew! One thing good here is working hour 9am - 5pm, latest we go at 5.30pm or later willingly we stay just to clear the mess! Hmm...how responsible i am!

Going home at 5pm give me a huge advantage to cook! Yeah!! I can drink home cook soup by myself! But sometime i'm really out of idea what to cook lol!!

Class starting soon! I'll be rushing so much. I hope i won't collapse!! Tiring, very tiring!! When can this kinda life come to an end??

Does it really matter?

2006-06-21T09:50:00.000+08:00

"Who's that couple? Is it you?"

Some who read the previous post would ask.

Is it that important to reveal who the poor girl is? Does this matter the moral you get from the story? Afterall, it's just a story. A real-life story or a make-up story that would depend how readers define. Point or not, moral or not, it all depends on you...

Just enjoy...

Sperm + Ovul = Precious

2006-06-20T11:02:00.000+08:00

Sex is fun, but the consequences.....
Pregnancies, some overjoyed! Yet, there are regretion, and some just hated it that is when abortion would most likely come into place.

But there is another situation considering abortion. The story goes:

"Oops...my period skipped!"

Lets go back time around one month ago. It was wedding of a good fren of his. Going through the traditional wedding daytime was tiring after a night of bachelor drinking fever. All frens separated went home preparing for the grand night. They went home too and God knows what they did.

Night fall. That night ought to be a wonderful happy night for all, though, but disaster happen to this couple. Blame on some kind of dumb ass dropping traps of panadol! The girl was iced with fever, and the guy pill no. 15, also known as "dai kor" pill. Cool!!!

But, soon the coolness turn into heat! Heat of arguement hell knows what happen. Fight, yea fights, bombs just exploded between this couple. The guy was hitting pushing yelling at the girl out of sudden. Yes, he has transformed! No longer a smart gentleman, but a dai kor! Thats the response from pill no.15! Fights started, fren came pulling the poor girl away from the dai kor monster! They fetched her avoiding him, fearing he would hurt the girl. Minutes later, he called and apologise. The girl pleaded the frens to bring her to him, and she willing or rather stupidly went into his car.

Things was smooth for 60seconds, just as she wanted to care what happen, slaps came! She yelled to stop the car, but instead he increases the speed. Rather dumb, she opened the door and jumped! Yes, she was rolling on the floor and many saw the scene. Still the guy did not give mercy to her but drag her into the car cum slaps. He drived to the hospital, throw the gal into emergency clinic. Just on time, all the frens arrived. He took out his golf stick waving towards his frens. He has gone insane! None of them wanna notice him. Nurses gave the girl a jab to prevent infections.

They fetched her away, to a fren's house. She was given a room to rest, but she insisted the frens to search for the guy. She is hurt everywhere, from scratches to bruises, and a whole piece of skin came off the butt. She felt so lonely crying tiredly. "Knock Knock" Someone's at the door. A guy, a brother of one. He went in with some beer trying to comfort the poor girl. The tired girl cried till she fall asleep. Unknowingly, she was sleeping in HADES! That guy is no better than a wolf. She's hurt so badly, physically and mentally, but he don't give a damn. He ride onto her while she's tight asleep. She was so tired that she could hardly open her eyes till she realised what was happening. By the time she regained energies and pushed him away, the process was already at an end.

She sped off downstairs, leaving the naked wolf in the room. She donno what to do. "How could this be happening?" All she can do was cry. She decided to zip this not wanting anyone to know this shameful happening.

The frens came to fetch her in the morning. They found the guy at last. He still in his dai kor mode, draged her pushed her into the car and went to his house. His mother heard bout what had happened and asked. The guy has all the blame onto the girl. Poor girl, suffering physically, and was just abused over her soul, and now mentally. She was collapsing.

On the drive home, the girl was too tired after all the "abuses". She fall asleep. How she wished not to wake up forever. She felt ashamed to face the guy.

Dai kor mode ended at last. Looking at her scratches and bruises, he tear a drop or two, heartached. He woke her up, brought her dizzily swaying into the room, changed and cleaned her and medicated her. He watched her sleeping the whole night while he sat on the floor fearing to hurt her.

After the incident, he made a promise never would he take pill no.15.

"Oops, my period skipped!"
After testing with the pregnancy test stick, then to clinics, yes indeed confirm she is pregnant.

They were overjoyed, but they know they were too young, or rather that is just an excuse. They know that they were not able to provide a prosperous life to the kid, yet they want that precious little life so much.

The girl, on another hand was tremendously she was shaking with fear. Who the hell is the generic father? She burst into tears thinking she would go insane in another second! "Why why why must this happen to me?" She could not take it anymore, she is collapsing.

The couple discussed of the future of this precious living in the girl body. "We are uncapable to bring this baby up." Yes, indeed that is very true. The girl is not working, and the guy rather not so stable. "I know you love babies, its mine too. But i don't want to ruin his life! Though, what we decide now is very cruel. At least I think it would better than being cruel to him not capable to provide him a good living on earth!"

The girl agree. Yes, why bring him into the earth living when they self-knowingly that they are not able to bring this kid up a charming way. Finally, the guy brought her to the clinic for abortion. At then, the pregnancy was two minths old. They could see the little precious living life in the womb. The girl feel it in her so deeply, but knowing that the decision has to be taken. He look at the ultrasound screen, and kept quiet.

The abortion process begin. "OUCH"! The pain was not only a cut on the flesh, but in the heart, sharp and deep. Tears came rolling down her cheek.

"Baby is gone! Baby is gone!" The girl repeated continuosly. "Ya ya, I know that too!" The guy yelled back at last, irritatedly. "It's also my baby! We just have no choice! You think i very happy like this?" The guy stopped the car, opened the door walked off. The girl was alone tearing in the heart, followed by the teardrop from the edge of her eyes.

A short while later, the guy came into the car, gave the girl a look, hugged and pat the crying girl. She is confused! Does she want the baby or not, unknowingly the real father of the kid?! Should she be glad or grieve over it?

Till now, the happening sometimes ago still lays deep in her heart, without the guy's knowledge. Is she a liar? Did she lied to him? Did she cheated on him? Should she deserve him? Questions are all she have.

Poor girl she is.

When someone abort, i hope they really have a very good and convincing reasoning for themselves! Others, do not look only the surface and tell people off to take precautions before sex. Sometimes, thing do not happen they way it should be. There is a victim in every scene.

Heartless Management...

2006-06-16T09:47:00.000+08:00

Funny...my ex-colleague called me just yesterday for some chats! Surprisingly, my ex-GM is pregnant. Just for your info, she's not married but screwed and now pregnant for more than 5 months. She's been hiding that till now! Wow...

Greg once described her as an "ah moh" standing in ChinaTown, blond hair, thick lips, fair, tall, with a really low cut blouse and short mini, criss cross black stockings, high cut boots...Imagine that. Well, no objection! She does have the potential to look so! Hehe...that is what the naughthy boyz would hope!

Well, NH management always have a one and only regulations to pregnant woman - FIRE!!! Singapore law has an advantage to pregnant woman, they get 3months maternity leave and are paid compare to only one miserable month in Malaysia. And in NH, any pregnant woman being disclose by the management, will be fire by anyway. Harman, an ex-operation planner, she is a poor lady. Married in Aug 05 and was pegnant in Oct 05. Happy she was, but the heartless management gave her so much stress. "Convince" her to change her job scope to a contracted one, make her stay late etc... Unfortunately, her baby destressed itself. She had a miscarriage. Ouch, isn't that painful. At then, her contracted appointment was still in discussed. Since she is no more pregnant, they continue her with her original permanent position.

After her honey moon in Dec 05, she was again pregnant. How happy and worry we all were for her. And the joy she have on her look was so satisfying. But NH did not let her off so easily. She was warned, yes warned, to accept the appointment letter, converting her permanent position to contracted by hourly basis for 6months with the same job same stress. In this way, any labourer could not sue the management, coz the pregnant lady is not fire instead she willingly changed her job appointment.Isn't the management too smart? Pay lesser for the same job done(pregnant woman need to go for medical check-ups often, which mean to be unpaid leave), no benefits given, no need being sued, no need pay maternity leave most important!!!

Cruel heartless i would say!

Of coz, Harman went through lotsa stress. But she was still coping well for the baby's forth-coming till something bad happen. She started to take leave and MC very often. Her pregnancies was no good after all. Reaching her third month of pregnancies, she started bleeding and having sharp pain at the abdomen. After a few days, her baby is gone AGAIN!!! OUCH....twice Ouch ouch...its painful...i know the feeling deeply down my heart!

Twice the miscarriages, lotsa thanks to "good" management of NH. She finally decided to leave NH which i think most of us would say YES it's good to leave and rest.

My 'dear' GM was already pregnant by then unknowingly. Smart ass she has, hiding her stomach for five months. Of coz, who would not be afraid to have the kind of treatment Harman just went through.

My advice, yes hide your stomach if you are pregnant just in case you face this kinda of damn heartless manaagement. BEWARE!!!

Stress or Relax??

2006-06-14T10:26:00.000+08:00

Phew...exam just ended, actually only one subject. Damn AUDIT!!
Atlast, time to do some little blogging!

Stress just finish guessing i could relax abit. But there are too much things how to relax?
I'm continuing my ACCA, should i proceed to Part 2 or Part 1? If only i'm confident to pass the Damn audit, then i could smoothly proceed to part 2...but i think the chance of failing is bigger! Aih... another half a year to be wasted. Stupid me! This is my x-time failing this damn subject somemore only CAT. Life so tiring already.

This company here... not so established, accounts hyper messy! Till now i cant find the full dead body. I have only one hand, some intestine, one leg, a few toes and fingers... Hey i'm a corpse founder or rather bone collector!!! OMG... oh my GOD... please do save me! This accounts here has never been balanced and somemore my boss can say " Aiya, very easy one, like this like that lor! haha..." Aiyo, taukeh you still can laugh ar...

How to relax lah me with so many many things... someone sure gonna fire me coz i alwaz worrying bout nonsense! But, the truth... yes i alwaz have alot of stuff in my mind, izit really nonsense?

Stress ar!!! Any suggestion to release stress?

The Da Vincci Code...

2006-06-01T17:20:00.000+08:00

I just watch this last Saturday nite.

Well, this movie is wonderful, but i find something quite ridiculous. Jesus Christ has heirs on the earth??? Erm, truely speaking i am finding hard to believe. Though i am not a christian, but since young i was raised by my aunt as one very different one. A religion which is different from "the world" other religion or christianity, one which have dozens of restriction, one which is real, which advantage all, which bring peace and harmony, which promise an everlasting-life in paradise, one which is known as the only truth with the only GOD. Jehovah Witnesses.

Yes. This religion was what i hated most in my teen as there was too much restriction! Later in my life, i started to know why there is "rules and regulation" like this. For eg, sex before marriage, they call fornication; drugs(of course), alcohol, smoking, no celebration not even christmas, no ang pao, no birthday cakes, no moon cakes, no rice dumpling...etc, whatever you can think of would be a strick NO NO! Except, one most very important celebration for JW, the great day, Jesus Memorial Day, Jewish calender Nisan 14. This was the day that Jesus had sacrifice his Perfect human body on a stake, not a cross, to cleanse our sin. Yes, no crosses like Roman Catholic, no worship to statue as GOD is in the mind and heart.

This indeed is a very very dificult yet could be easy to understanding. Take it this way, for eg if there was no sex before marriage, alot of unwanted pregnancies could be avoided; no alcohol then lesser abusing would happen; no smoking the earth would be fresher...bla bla bla!

My main blog is bout the movie lah. By the way, to know more that JW check this out http://www.carm.org/witnesses.htm, www.watchtower.org, www.jehovah.to.

So does Jesus really have decendants on earth? Is this true, can you believe that? The drawing of Da Vincci, the last supper. There were supposed to be Jesus and all his 11 disciple on the table. Its only Judas Iscariot, who betrayed Jesus Christ was not there. How could Mary Magdalene be there? I was shocked to hear that...

The Question is still, Jesus decendants is now on earth? Is that a joke?

My Stress

2006-05-30T15:32:00.000+08:00

Almost one month working here already. What do i know? Erm...the clearest info i have in my mind is...this account is messy, really, Really, REALLY MESSY!!!

Haih...they have a qualified accounts person to handle the whole account from the secretarial firm. Of course, with him i "should" feel easier to handle things. But, without him, i think my works can success better. Any figure i need from, i request for supporting, he say 'I also don't have it...its all estimation!' Hallo, Uncle, estimation also got a calculation to the figure lah!...He even promised to come to discuss...but day after day...he fly aeroplane. Damn it!

Poor me...i gotta work out all by myself, i rather that way than having an old man old method messing up!

Thanks so much to Joey...we discussed the whole Saturday. We managed to think some way to make the accounts system go better.

The only problem is month end now...how can i close my accounts. Moreover, my exam coming soon. Stress ar....

Me & My Family? Who Left Who?

2006-05-24T15:30:00.000+08:00

Days ago, i was chatting with Mel. Out of nowhere, she asked me when did i left my family. I guess must be my previous blog.

So shall i start my whole story from the beginning? It's really long winded like a old granny.

Since i was a baby, or more specific, since i was not even one month old, i was "dumped", or a nicer way "adopted" "taken care of" by my grandmother. Do i see my parent often? or Do they come and see this deserted child often? Erm...hardly i see their strands of hair. From the day i can remember things, i only know they come over every Wednesday night for dinner. Slowly, slowly...they skipped from every to alternate, then once a month, then i think there was once 3 or 6 months i don't see them. Exagerate? Not at all.

This does not happen only to me but also my sister. Well only one of them, the youngest was "lucky" my parents "want" her.

There was nothing bad being "adopted" by my grandmother, staying with my auntie. Just that both my aunties are spinster! So they get emotional very easily and we incurred the consequences when it happened. I remember when i was young, they used to bet alot in share market. In year 1997, economy went really low(read long). Lose money lah. Very emotional, bad mood bad temper. So guess what happen to us just for her to feel better. CANED...we were both caned badly irregardless of mistake.

Always, when exam is nearby, nightmare came along too. Fortunately my nightmare came alot lesser compared to my sister. No doubt, she wasit slow, she was "abused" eventually, having to do all her question and homework, while i can go to bed earlier resting for the next day's exam. And the worst was, we were not allowed to stay with my parents during weekend just because she wants us to go to her religious get together. She has a "funny" religion, JW, but i learned to respect and undeniable, i did learn alot of wisdom there.

I used to hate her so much for treating us like a toy for her temper. Initially, i started missing her now. Come to think back, without her, i wouldn't have a chance to learn better english since the age of three. Without her, i'll lacked alot of knowledge. Without her, i would not have success myself to be independent. Without her, i would have stuck with my uncaring parents and lepak-ing don't know where.

I pity my youngest sister now with my parents. They don't know what parenting is. My aunt look at money very huge, they don't understand money does not mean happiness, even though my parents do understand this, thing do not change. My dad a gambler. Everytime i called or i go home, nothing bout money is all he ask. My mom just get jealous of everything.

Recently, i went back hometown but not to my home. She gave me no choice. I felt like a homeless child. The story was, she don't let me have my sis' car, so we went bac to his hometown first to get the car. When i am back in KL i called to say i'm coming home, my mom just go bursting nag nag nag...sorry to say, but i really can't stand old people who nag and nag especially when you are about to do the matters when they are mentioning. I didn't went home because of the irritation. The worst part was, nobody bother to call that whole night even till now. I just went to my aunt's house where i grew up to visit her and my old granny.

Me cruel or my parents? In fact, my mom keep asking me to get married, that means, i would be stucked with my other half. Though, i am not yet, but now already i am stuck with him working here in Spore, but she just wanna show attitude. I don understand what she wants. Wants me to be stuck with her whole life but want me to get married? She used to tell me go work go work, and i am now working very independently far away, she'll tell me to come back, no good work so far...there she goes bla bla bla...Isn't she confusing...Yes indeed.

Aiya...till now, you tell me who left who? Was i the cruel one or what?

@#&$.....Shd I get the Blame???

2006-05-22T09:12:00.000+08:00

"I think you don't cook anymore" said his mom.
"Huh"
"NO, no more cooking! My electricity bill very high you cook like that(she uses a hot plate for cooking), somemore Janice(the maid) says sticky sticky dirty...bla bla bla!"

Well, i cook using a thermal cooker where no electricity no gas is needed, this means cheap cooking!! And yes true enough it's inconvenient as i do not to be there when it's cooking. All i need to do is heat the pot till boiling point, then leave it in the thermal, in an hour time, dinner's served. How glad i can have my homecook meal, since i've been on instant noodle for almost the whole year!!!

Whatelse can i say, "Oooo, OK!" then walked away.

My SMS started to ring, from Mr R, the landlord.
"Just say ok and carry on with your cooking. She knows nothing bout thermal cooking, Anything i answer..."
"Hah...you sure? But your mom say Janice don't like it."
Thinking on another hand, she's just the maid why the hell i care whether she likes or not, she's paid to clean up!
"She not happy you oiling the kitchen. That's her playground, she can detect stains anytime. My suggestion, continue cooking, min frying. Also Not happy that Janice helped you in washing your bedsheet or something like that. Important thing, DO off air-con always when you go out. The electricity bill is S$505 while a 5 roomed house should cost only S$2-300. Thats is why she is jumping."
"Erm...i'm not protesting but i don think we would cause the increases. In fact, we seldom use the air-con unless really hot! Anyway , i'll try my best."

Aiya, no point talking to people who communicate with dogs more than human, plus does not think with the brain! "The more people i meet the more i love my dog!" Why? Coz dogs neva betray.

Well, up to individual to comment. I only know we are not supposed to be blamed for this fault. A cases to think about, the maid had past history of stealing. First, she stole the owner's money. Worst, she robbed my room.

They decided to pay back, not by cash but two months of rental, which meant i stayed for well, 90% free. I guess they were not happy that they are not getting the rental. But it was you who suggested about paying back. If the maid would had remit the money back home for good use, we could still tolerate. But, she actually stole for making phone calls, for paying back her handphone bill. She hadn't receive pay for a long time because of her overdue phone bill. Aiya...Philipino maid...!

Since my rental was omitted, of coz they cut that from her pay, everybody, especially the auntie, started to be very grumpy. Of coz the income is suddenly much more lower and expenses went so high. But are we to be blamed?

Think harder please, Mister and Ma'am. Is there any need that we increases your electricity? Or is there someone who can do this easily and be more happy? Yes, if hot plate does increases the electricity, who can always waste it that way? Don't i need to rest after i come home? Laudry, it takes an hour to complete the cycle, how many one hour can i spend, or is there who can spend more doing so? Air con, just sneaked into my room and checked whether i do leave it on or not before you open your mouth!

Be reasonable! Be rational! Didn't teachers teach you these moral? Or do they teach you to accuse?

THINK WITH YOUR BRAIN, NOT THE DOG's BRAIN, NOT YOUR ASS!!!!

Damn it!

May 18...Three years ago

2006-05-18T10:18:00.000+08:00

Today, May 18...years ago i am always so eager for this day to come.

This happened in my sweet seventeen...but it felt bitter worse than chinese medicine. That cut had deeply impacted my life.

I was then with my ex KY. Well...past was passed. May 18 is his birthday. We would always yearn for this day to come, planning where should we go what should we do, how to make the celebration great. Slowly...i started to get tired, losing excitement losing interest on this day's arrival. On the 3rd year of this day after knowing him, i wasn't even there to have this celebration with him. Oh dear...but i guess, that was no mistake. I did that on purpose...at least i think so. MH asked me to go Port Dickson with him to see his bowling competition. Without any consideration, i say YES! Actually KY's birthday wasn't even in my mind, till i reached PD.

The only thing came across when this struck my mind was...Ceh, no big deal lah! In fact i have a great time with MH. Oh yeah, i must admit, i'm infatuated with MH. He was my secondary one classmate who always irritated also very sayang me! Well, the infatuation started at then, but it increases wheni was in Sec2. I believe he was too...but just that we were too closed to improve(grinned)! Till the point in PD, the faded infatuation gradually increases again after years not seeing each other. We, togather with his friend, had fun running around on the beach, then me & MH, we chat & chat, telling him all my misery, sitting on the railing of the balcony where the sea is just below. It was his birthday, and of i was not there, so how unhappy he was, i do not want to know since i was so happily infatuated. We were there for 3-4 days. Alot of fun we have. I massages him(do not get me wrong!), we stayed up late just to chat(actually it was me who do not want to go to bed). And of course, flies (his friends) infatuated with me (read vomit) buzzing around me.

Time to go home!
"I dowanna go home, i dowanna see him. Bring me anywhere else except home!"
Well, we went back to his house. And it was late late nite. Even if he wanna fetch me home, his car was blocked at the parking lot. It was just fate i guess...hehe...

So i stayed overnght in his house. He does not have a big house, neither does he have his own room. He has erm...4 sister and one of them has the same name as mine. He shared room with his 3 sister and sleep on the floor. As his sisters were all asleep, we both slept on the floor on the matress. YES, we slept togather(only sleeping mah, so what...)! But most of the time, we were whispering to each other. Slowly, i lied onto his chest, and he hugged me.....

Oooooohhhh......i...felt so comfortable....just like a protected newborn baby. I guess...this feeling bloom just when i was too tired wishing someone else could relieve me. Hugging was all of it, and no more. After waking up, he cooked a simple branch, and we watch TV. His sisters started coming back from school...well, i'm feeling so paiseh. Around 4-5pm, his parents came home. Aiks.....i started so shake and blush! "Erm...fetch me home..." There was a piece of silence. His mom told me to stay for dinner...i rejected the offer and MH fetch me home. He fetch me to my ex's rented condo. I don feel like going back up, but there was where i belong long long time ago.

Just before getting out the car, i KISSed him...and ran straight out.

After that night, i would call him alot. He would come and bring me out too, just at the garden nearby my house. Ya...as usual me, i would nag and complain bout my life. Then we would chat too bout what kinda of mate we like. I guess, we got bored of each other. He bored with my complain of life, i bored with his opinion bout his future maid, oops mate! Hmm...he does make it sound exactly like a maid, washing cleaning cooking...every single thing the maid does would be his mate.

Infatuation over...till now we still keep in contact...very good friends. My Bf and he met and chat. But there is still a small secret in between 3 of us. The infatuation....

Hey, that should be the title better "The Infatuation". Nah...i've changed the title too many times. This blog was supposed about KY...i failed for composition! Damn...

只要三个字。。。

2006-05-17T10:46:00.000+08:00

只要三个字，我就被哄得那么开心？原来我是个那么容易满足的女人！

这是好事吗？不太像咯！唉！

前晚，我与他开玩笑突然翻了脸。睡觉时他不肯睬我。很坏咧！我把他踢下床，谁料到他真的下床咧！真是气死人！大木头！还我哭哭哭！我当然不忍心他睡地上，把他叫上床我又不甘心。唉，结果心软的我大家都猜到我做了些么啦!

当然我不服气咯！心想妈的，他怎能忍心就那样去地上睡呢？把他叫了上回来没说哄哄我抱下宠下亲一个么都没咧！真可恶！他还爱我吗？我就这么地问了他：您还爱我吗？爱和喜欢使不同的哦！

他一整天都没回答我这个！真会耍赖！王八蛋！

晚上回到家我当然不踩踏啦！唉。。。老竹啊老竹啊！您到底是木头还是猪？他直缠住我想个小孩可偏偏不给我答案！气死我啊！您滚远远啦心想！把他脱身后我就不停做其他东西不理他！

“嘟！嘟！嘟！”电话突然响起！

“我爱您很爱您那您爱我吗？”
嘻！偷偷咪咪的笑！傻傻的咧！
“您肯定吗？怎样肯定咧？”
“肯定的啦！都说了要吃老婆仔煮的饭一世嘛！”

妈的！我就这样一句话被哄得那么开心！到底有没天理！女人啊女人！真是容易受骗的动物！失败！！！

Mother's Day??!!

2006-05-11T09:51:00.000+08:00

Shouldn't you call your mom? Mother's day wor. My BF said this to me last nite after shopping for a cook pot from Suntec. Since now my working hours is shorten by so much, i have more than enough extra time to cook at least a soup.

Calling my mom is a fear...a great one to me! I donno what should i speak of, or rather how should i talk! YAYA...i know it's my mom. We both have a same character. Once we had an arguement we just wait for the other to speak up first.

Last Sat, i accidentally hit on the speed dial key and rang my mom. Guess what.
"Yes, what."
"Huh? What's what?"
"You missed call just only for what?"
"No, i did not! Oh, maybe accidentally pressed!"
"Oh ok!"
"So, mom, how are you?"
"Fine."...Silence for 3seconds.
"So when you coming back?"
"Not so soon."
"Ok lah. Nothing already?"
"Nope."
"Bye."
"Bye."

There goes our conversation. Pathethic huh? What kinda mother daughter converse like this? Me and my special mom. We are both 'small gas'!!

Celebrate Mother's Day? Nah...you enjoy yourself but not for me!

First Day NEW Job New Office

2006-05-10T14:21:00.000+08:00

Sorby Marine Pte Ltd! First day report at work...i look so silly asking an uncle " how do i on this(the com)" "HAR...u donno meh"
Aih the fact is not that i donno...i just don understand why i turn on the power so many time just nothing happen, after that i just don't bother asking where the swtch is already! And now, the KEYBOARD! Damn, its not nice to type with!

What am i supposed to except for just sitting here gong gong not doing anything? I feel abit retarded. No one tell me what should i do. I just try to clear the mess but can't find the files which she mentioned. OMG...i feel so left out! I'm just sitting here gong gong and now it's gonna be 3pm already. What have i done, what have i learn? Erm....i donno wor! I'm such a blur Sotong now leh!

Should i go to my boss ask what i can help? Or should i just sit and wait till she comes back? But she so not free to teach! I'm still sitting my butt still stuck on the chair! It's like forever! Missy miss can you come back faster...i'm stuck now only MSN-ing!

What TR, TT, LC...WTH are all this!!! Oh GOD HELP...

Last Day in NH...

2006-05-09T14:54:00.000+08:00

Today 09 May 2006, my last day in NH at last!! PHEW...

You must be asking izit that terrible working here...nah... actually not really, just that there are ppl who are jealous of alot of things! Or probably it's my problem! I'm such a small girl! Maybe i talk too much nonsense and i'm too childish! But but but...i've tried...tried very hard to be more mature!

I remember my mentor told me " Just speak your heart no matter what. Don't bother what ppl think about you. You is you...Don't try to change yourself to another person. Just be yourself!! Be the mature you or childish you, silly you or smart you, it doesn't matter! Ppl will love who you are and not what you act!! Speak your mind speak your heart, its your words!"

So...here's all my words...i'm speaking up like nobody business and oh yeah...i'm real happy! Just hope i can learn more in real life...speak like nobody business!! Who cares rite? It's my mouth my language, my mind, MY WORDS!!! Yippee...

YES...i shall speak more of my mind my word!!

Lastly...I'm LEAVING NH!!!! BYE BYE Hell...
Hello Sorby Marine Pte Ltd...

IRAS Tax Clearance...DAMN!!

2006-05-08T19:05:00.000+08:00

Damn IRAS!! It's not like i'm leaving Singapore i'm still working her...and now i'm taxable for nothing! Oh no...i'm broke this month!!

Though i could have this amount refunded by 3 months time but...why should i have my own money in people's pocket for nothing? Do i get an interest or dividend? NOPE!!! But just going poor this whole month...OMG how am i gonna survive this whole month through? Aiyoyo...

Now that the money is in people's pocket...i fell so insecure...when will actually be refunded? Everyone is selfish who would return the money which is not yours but eventually became yours?

Aiya...my main concern is still when can i have the money...thousand plus is a big amount to me!! I'm not rich!!! I need to eat...I need feed people too!!!! DAMN IT!!

Hair Stylist - Profession Or Interest?

2006-05-03T14:06:00.000+08:00

Why is there so many guys love to be a hair stylist? Eish...well, no offence but i see them either like aqua so na bek...or they stlye as though they look chun but acctually they just like stupid parrot, trying to be so colorful!

Aih...now even my BF has this will to learn hairdressing! Well, no comment (read shudding the shoulder). He say it's for living...true i believe it could be a job a profession! Just hope he doesn't become like one of the parrots...but i won give to much confidence in that. Not even whether he may really get through the whole course...hey it cost a big sum...HUGE!!

Doing it for living i hope he's doing it for our living to! Just wondering! But, he does not have any interest in that could he really succeed? A big question mark i see in front my eyes! Sometimes he's really funny would give all kinda surprises which i donno good anot!

He wanna do it not because of interest just for living...But without interest can this really be a career? Without interest you dont get the thoughts the feel for new style...! No feel, no new thoughts, no improvement can survive? I'm still wondering hard!!!

He's not young already, me too. I hope he could be serious with his decision!! I really don wish time to be wasted!!

Welcome!!

2006-05-02T09:26:00.000+08:00

I'm quite new to blog. Just wan a space to express to let go..
I'm working cum studying cum donno wat else i can do...

Well i do have a blog with friendster. But i guess there are too many ppl which i know. Aiya...blogging too much of personal things in there not such a good thing.

So..here's my new home...Welcome!!